Day 138:Planned feature
it is interesting to see that even when i started to direct myself via schedules and organising my days in general, altough it is a great tool to use, it still does not eliminate the possible problems or points i have not yet worked on. for example rigidness.
when an object is rigid, it's description is that it breaks sooner than it would change it's form a.k.a. bend. it's not different in humans too, yet I insisted that it is the way to "get through" things and be done with duties and ect.
It is also like conservativism, wanting to keep the old known things in place, systems and habits just for the sake of comfort and from the motivation of fear. So it was my "default" reaction when i encountered a force that is against my actions or limiting me, hold a fist and bust through it...give it everything i got-of course that is knowledge and information...and if i'm hard enough or i can do it long enough and endure the trial i will succeed. all this is just an illusion, a fary tale-which we program our kids with.
while I'm self-directive I cannot allow rigidity for myself, it literally torns any and all plans or schedules or committments apart. it's a back door what i use as an escape like:"if i can't do what i wanted i just blast through it" while the meantime i slip out of schedule i fall back on due dates and not do things effectively, be late, be anxious about it, supress that, have fears about it, supress that, and compound these untill i ust burst out and BREAK DOWN and cry in a corner alone and fail at every commitment and die starving.
So the more i fight to stay in schedule the more i slip out of it, this rigidity is like i would try dancing on a rope in a full set of medieval armor...the heavy knight one. it's not balanced, it's not supportive, it takes up plenty of resourse to make it working and has a great "chance" of faliure. no way i can allow this anymore.
When i look around i life, in animals or nature, nothing is at all rigid, not even those things we see stiff and hard like a tree. everything around us is the example of flexibility and adaptation.
So despite all the muticulus planning and the great schedules and timetables can't have any effect without me being flexible enough, yet how do i know when and how much to flex? how does flax knows when and how much to flex? as much as required, and when pressure is put on. but to be able to determine within our day-to-day life there is another tool i can use: Priorities.
so the next post will be about that.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become rigid and stand against change i experience.
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that external change is only the reflection of an internal change thus i must investigate what is the change and the way to adopt with self-direction if required.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in a limited framework of changing my application without considering all points.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise that i have been prioritizing without self direction, but from the point of self-interest only.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make priorities based on self-interest only.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to keep my priorities as they have been programmed from my childhood.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for my priorities and have secret agendas in order to achieve what i want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i cannot keep myself to my plans and schedules.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a strict list/pattern/rule to be able to limit and contain my life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear setting myself free from my own self-created limitations.
When and as i go into acting against an event, i stop and breathe.
I realise that this is only a reaction to the event and it does not support me within my process only make things mor complicated.
I commit myself to investigate and find out solutions to be able to always adapt and bend accordig to the situation's requirements WITHOUT compromising the principles of equality and oneness, and doing what's best for all.
when and as i go into fearing what might happen if i don't do something the way i planned, i stop and breathe.
I realise that plans and schedules are only here to assist and support me in directing myself, and not laws or limitation that i must obey.
I commit myself to accept and allow myself to change me application from the planned based on my priorities, after investigation.