Day 142: DrinkeRAGE
But drinking alcohol is obviusly self-dishonesty. because people do it while actually knowing exactly what are the consequences and short-term side effects of it. neither are cool nor comfortable. still plenty of students and teachers and general population is involved in one kind or another consuming of alcoholic drinks.
What does it do? what makes them drink it regardless of it's effects? why is it so addictive? why did it become a social cover-up to use it? if it's good for the health then why does the goverments take this much money from it? these and other questions i've asked myself-hoplessly from myself in 2003.
I've never into consuming such products. which is interesting, because of course i was not into it or never really wanted to drink it because of peer-pressure or anything, when i got 13 my father asked me if i would like to taste some beer or vine. at a celebration event. before i only drank some kid-champagne the bubbly-tasty-water. so i said okay, and proceeded with tasting a small amount of it. that experience defined my opposition towards any and all alcoholic things.
when i drank a glup of vine i could taste the grapes the water and something "new" also, in that moment i shearched trought my taste database for the best match of taste i've had before...and it was MENTHOL. it felt the same it tasted the same. at that time i have HATED that taste already-because only the bad quality gums had that and chewing gums that remain. i only liked tic-tac and menthos because i could "eat" them and these were very mild and kinda different.
yet here i can see that this relationship with the taste of menthol come from an early childhood experience. where i got sick from playing out in the cold. i've got treated with a cough syrup i was aroun 7y old, and that tasted the same-based on that it contained some alcohol for fertilisation of course to kill the germs in the throat. and i really disliked the way i was been given it, even back then i knew that i can cure myself and don't need such substances yet my parents didn't believe me so they forced it into me. thus alcohol became related to loss of control and power=huge dislike.
so when i tasted that vine or the beer later-which was even "worse" at that point (it was bubbly too) this strong emotion got brough up and so i put alcoholic drinks to the "never" list of mine.
since then i only drank a small glass of champagne at celebrations 3-5times a year max, and even then i only did it to please them. and of course washed it down thoroughly with some soda.
this is why when i started this process were able to completely remove the point of drinking, yet this relationship remains. so i have not yet solved this point. so here i go:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a substance based on my level of wanting it or not.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents based on that they are not believing that i can heal my body from a disease, and take responsibility for my actions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stop taking responsibility for diseases based on the justification that my parent's didn't let me to do so thus it is okay for me to do it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility and justifying with my parent's behaviour.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parent's for forcing substances into me that i do not need.
i am continuing in the next post.