2012-11-27

Day 144:Resisting to Realise Resistance

Resistance is intself a slippery ground yet for me...and i had to realise that i even resist to realise them. which is making a double trouble just for the sake of...comfort. because it's comforting to not work on resistances, to not solve fears, to not having to be self honest ALL the time.


But obviusly this is a luxury, a luxury, that noone should allow itself yet we mostly all do. It's the easy way out of problems, to supress and stop looking at them and turn away and run away and hasitate and push it to deal with it later on ect. ect.

I make it hard for me to see into this point. because it's a resistance that i nurtured a lot during my life, and it come to surface not so late again. I'm constantly have to push myself to stay here and breathe, and see into myself, and let me see and understand and realise. even with the distractions i currently have here.

This resistance is only a reaction, comes from backchat and thoughts of course, I held onto my resistance and justified it with mainly to keep me safe. based on the reasoning that staying away from the trouble of being aware of my fears as resistance eases my workload of thinking, and worrying, because i saw someone around me who does worry A LOT and i saw what effects it had on her.
so it's fear again, fear of becoming like one of my relatives, and again it's from childhood.
Actually from a moment where i have been not-home and she stopped me from running around in the room happily to not bump into the table. and i saw clearly all the worries and fears that she expressed and there i "decided" as a thought to not become like her.

so when i created a resistance to something, like dating with girls or going to parties, which were based on other points i immediately took that resistance and fear and all the points and shoved it down saying that i'm not acknowledgeing the fact that i resist such a thing, and later when i made my ego high, i also added another layer to it that i even created a "new" idea against the thing i'm resisting thus making a new point of hate and anger towards the points of resistance itself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist to acknowledge and realise my resistances.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and supress the points of resistance i have created earlier.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself resistance to exist wihtin and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself wihtin and as resistance of realising resistances.
I forgive myslef tthat i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from resistance.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance within and as myself based on fear of working with myself and fear of understanding myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear working with myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear understanding myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the fear of working with myself to exist within and as myself
I forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself the fear of understanding myself to exist within and as myself.

still where does this fear comes from? what happens if i work with myself and understand myself? i will realise myself and become "more" self-honest and will let go of points that i previously resisted, which is not okay from the mind's perspective because every point of resistance when held onto at every occasion that it is triggered generates energy from separation and fear and emotions, thus letting go=stopping such behaviour diminishes the passive-income of energy, so this essentially shows that i am still an energy addict, and that i'm working on...

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