Day 162: Drowning in time...shift

My whole day today showed me that i accept and allow myself to "drift" in time.
First came a series of videos where the protagonist lives the past lives of it's ancestors, then came an episode from star trek voyager, where they encountered a planet where on the surface the time were 100times faster than normal and the ship has influenced in religion and culture...then this song after "lost"hours of activity:


Day 159-161: sleeping in the Lion's den

(not just demonic but sexy as well)
This vacation here is really supportive...even when i'm not aware of it. As i'm "forced" to get back here where i lived with my relatives before this school.

What i realised is that many of my points are brought up as reflected by them back to me, or in the way i react to them and stopping myself from reacting and breathing here sometimes i given myself difficult times to do it. we had the family dinner and meeting thing already and today i seemed to spiral into plenty of points where i fell or at least i showed such things to me.


Day 158: 13 Days of doom

Today has been a really interesting day for me, because i have a lot of things going on.
As I'm living in a collage dormitory, we were informed that the dorm will be closed from 21st of dec. till 2nd of jan. quite a coincidence...thus were ordered to plug all electric things, close the pipes ect. and leave. what i was interested about is that in the system i saw that i have to pay a full mont's fee for december while i only lived 21days in the facility, so when i went up to the financial manager, she just stated, you have to pay it because "the wole school will be closed down not just the dorm, if it would be just the dorm you wouldn't have to pay all." so because it is common sense that there is no common sense in this statement i did not stop to argue over such ridiculus thing of ~20$ from the 50$ rent cost.


Day 157: It's the last time...!

Swearing on something or making promises never make things happen. Reality shows that things only "happen" when someone dooes something. so it's never a "happening" because it is directed/created by a being (human or animal, aware or not alike). So if I do not do something, then that will not happen by chance, or by me saying "i won't do it again!", I can see this has been overly repeated in the past by millions of people both big and small, high or low, and it never worked.

What does work is taking the necessary steps and directing oneself and actually doing the stuff. This process here is just the same. I can talk anything if i am not doing anything...it does not matter.


Day 156: For-Giving me Before...

here's the self-forgiveness expanded on the points discussed in these posts:
Day 153: Last-minute F(l)ight
Day 154: Constant Output
Day 155: The Test of reality

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and do actions based on other people judged as seperate from me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge other biengs that i precieve seperate, to be seperate from me, and to allow myself to give away my responsibilities by participating within and doing actions based on my judgements of others.


Day 155: The Test of reality

this is a continuation of the previous posts:
Part 1:Last Minute F(l)ight
Part 2:Constant output

Here's arrived the time to go trough the exams on the end of this semester...where I have to proove that trtough the 5 months of education i have acquired the information and knowledge said to me, and am capable of giving it back exactly the same.


Day 154: Constant Output

this is a continuation of the previous post Day 153:Last minute F(l)ight

While investigating myself further  in this point of evading responsibility i found out that based on those fears and judgements i've created yet another addiction within me that is closely related to the energy addiction, which is the "rush hour" syndrome.


Day 153: Last-minute F(l)ight

(abrupt recitation:where "uhm" and "stuff" is in every sentence)
In elementary school in 3rd grade in mid september, i had an experience which basically I used to justify and define myself according to regarding doing anything. i mean producing something like essays or homework or crafts or anything of creation, and not just the ones that were demanded/asked of me, even when i did my own projects for myself i still applied the same attitude towards it.

Day 152: Equalising Actions

In the past two weeks i've been working with myself on the point of procratrination and lazyness, had some issues with internet connection yet i do not use that as an excuse to not writing.

Here i stand as change, and i changed my application to writing sparing more time and structure into writing out myself. With the assistance of such writings i am able to see understand and realise myself regarding this point of procrastination/lazyness.


Day 151: sinking in...

I've experienced many times the way i suck in myself into something, and i did touched this point in a previous post regarding attention yet i did not work on this particular one.

So even with breathing and bringing myself here, i tend to focus on the particular thing i'm doing and "forget" about time and other things that come "due" while i'm doing that thing. altough here are moments where i "come to the surface" liek a whale and exactly aware of the ocean and the fact i'm going underwater, yet i still get back down.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise that i am evading to work on the point of escaping from responsibilities by occupying myself with something that is low in priority and does not allows much "advance" in my process.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how much support i GET from the activities i participate within and as and also to judge the activities.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give assistance and support to myself equally and judge myself as not worthy for it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to evaluate myself based on subjected self-oppinions and judgements.


Day 150: Jumping in...writing

it is 5 months since i started to write these journey to life blogs dayly. i had days where i missed so it's actually more than that. and it definately supports me, yet here i had to realise that it is not enough for walking this process.


Day 149: Motivation or Direction?

There are really tons of hipothesises and theories about human behaviour, part of it is fiddleing about why we humans do what we do, trying to explain behaviours and reactions based on happened examples.
In schools we even learn about this stuff, how "big thinkers" "developed" systems and descriptions to categorise and define the motive of someone doing something.


Day 148: I'm no subject!

Meaning that i am not subjected to outside forces that i have no correlation to.
there is even a saying "it all starts in the head" which states that every happening or action or event or moment really starts a process of data processing in the mind and there is oppinions views judgements sides and memories of it.

Day 147: The lack of body-awareness

Today in the morning i had to face an event where i had to decide. I had to choose between taking care and consideration for my body or passing one of my class. because we were told to run 12mins as a test outside in 1°C in 16km/h wind.


Day 146: Creating Distractions

So while working on the points of resistance and points where i do not realise them, i see that actually i made this easy by creating tons of distractions for myself to "be engaged" with and just pass time and really don't do anything.