2012-12-02

Day 146: Creating Distractions

So while working on the points of resistance and points where i do not realise them, i see that actually i made this easy by creating tons of distractions for myself to "be engaged" with and just pass time and really don't do anything.


Isn't distractions an enviromental thing? I asked myself...and again by looking into this i find out that this comes from childhood. It's closely related to attention, because when i was a child my parents had moments when they wanted something from me to do or listen to them or stop something, and because i was not completely able to understand spoken words yet, when they just talked to me i didn't "listen" and continued doing what i did. but of course than they went into ego that they must make me listen and understand, so they created points of interest around me that would be big enough for me to change my attention. I mean loud sounds or big movements with arms or body, like clapping or waving or else. and always saying "look here..." "listen..." "see this..." and they do this untill it's effective.

Trhough this i have accepted and allowed myself the concept of a distraction, where there can be certain visual or audible effects which i will focus my attention (shift) no matter what i have been doing untill i sense that distraction. and the belief that "something outside of me is MAKING me listen".

Of course all distractions when i'm alone come from me obviusly or it's a consequential outflow of a previous act which i have done. this is for the occasions when i'm alone. when i'm with others, and there is such a sensory input I still create the illusion/thought/backchat of "oh that's a distration...so i must listen to it" within me, without actually considering any relevant points.

The most basic practical example is when someone says my name. when i hear the word of my name i immediately listen to it without considering what i abandon. to the point of loosing my breath literally.

So this is again a fire-escape from responsibility and from self-honesty. like "oh a distraction again-yeewhaaaa i can stop being here being responsible I WANT ENERGY!!!" lol like a demon awakening from sleep.

nowadays while being alone here i create plenty of distractions ranging from simple net-surfing to film-watching-to playing games-to laying on the bed because i feel tired. many many points where i create such distractions to allow my resistances to stay there and keep them as generators for myself. even the fact that i'm sweating now is just here to distract myself from writing this out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the idea of a distraction to exist within and as me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by sounds or images or events from the starting point of resisting to realise myself and my resistances.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create distractions by participating within activities that do not support me within and as my process at all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my allowance to be distracted by placing value to the point that is distracting me. (for example: "games are cool and lets me relax" or "my name is important because i have to know what others talk/think about me")
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a backdoor within myself where i can escape from all responsibility i have taken myself immediately.

I am continuing next time...

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