Day 147: The lack of body-awareness

Today in the morning i had to face an event where i had to decide. I had to choose between taking care and consideration for my body or passing one of my class. because we were told to run 12mins as a test outside in 1°C in 16km/h wind.

I chose to take it, and of course we all had some warm clothing on yet still i felt the breeze and the wind really chilly. and while running down that 2km i investigated and listened to my body and actually what am i doing while running in such a desperate weather.

I found that after a couple hundred meters i started to obviusly sweat and my body temperature got up, and so it got adapting to the enviroment and the muscles even felt relaxed than when i ran in normal temperatures, so altough my throat and head were uncomfy the moving parts (limbs) were quite okay with keeping me running.
Also i didn't run as i used to-slamming my feet down but actually being aware of how and what angle i place them and making sure i can be as "soft&supple" as i can while keeping up the pace.

Also another interesting thing come up is that here were not much thoughts, i mean i had some before starting mostly whyning about the conditions and that i have to do this ect. yet as soon as i started running and breathing with it poof it was just gone and actually I enjoyed myself in those moments, kinda describable as feeling freedom but it was not like feeling it yet actually being the enjoyment of movement as running.

Of course normally after 1.5km my body started signalling that my inner organs have a tough work to do (liver and kidneys) and so the familiar stomach pain started to emerge. usually i start to focus on them and start thinking and saying to myself "hey this hurts!" "i can't run anymore!" and as i do that mostly the pain increases as my will to run more. yet today i decided that doing that will only allowing to give my directive power to my thoughts and systems thus i focused on my breathing and placing my feet, sensing the muscles as the contract and relax rithmically, and thus all that remained was that small signal that they are working hard but no high pain elevated. and thus i could continue till the time was up.

So it's interesting that when I got into a physical situation that I saw as HARM and POSSIBLE DEATH CAUSE then the mind starts really going against it and creates friction and polarities and dislikes just to stay away from danger. but this is only done in order to ensure the survival of the body THUS the mind can feast more on it slowly degrading and getting more energy out of it. so it is based purely on self-interest.

was it best for all that i run down this test? yes. it supported me with this point and allowed me to realise what i accept and allow myself while in emergency situations and go into reactions only with thinking and selfishness without consideration. thus i am changing this to stay here, stay aware and direct myself here.

and this is not taught AT ALL to care for our body, the only thing we can hear in schools to "do this then do that because i'm teacher and I SAY SO!" and most teachers do not care about or do not know about the individual's body condition or state at all times thus they cannot take that into consideration so they just don't do it. and if I refuse to do it based on my considerations of my own body (not in the terms of ownership but in terms of responsibility) I will be fired out or kicked for not following orders and not completing tasks. because whatever "happens" as a consequence to my body I am totally responsible for it.