2012-12-15

Day 152: Equalising Actions

In the past two weeks i've been working with myself on the point of procratrination and lazyness, had some issues with internet connection yet i do not use that as an excuse to not writing.

Here i stand as change, and i changed my application to writing sparing more time and structure into writing out myself. With the assistance of such writings i am able to see understand and realise myself regarding this point of procrastination/lazyness.


This Has been a major point in my life because for more than 7 years (a full cycle) i have been using programs, games and internet-browsing to procastrinate and literally do nothing and "enjoy" doing it.
Actually through this 10 years of self abuse, it is clear that it could not change in one moment alone, i work on it in smaller increments and slowly but surely walk towards not procatrinating AT ALL. so it takes time. making the decision and committing myself IS one moment tough, but i have sometimes even pushed away doing that/out of habit.

With such prolonged points i see that even when i really focus on correcting myself, trhough all those years of doing it I made it harder to get out of it. but it is never impossible! even if i die before i would get to the end of such big points, i did walked them, and that is what matters, to establish the understanding, make the decision and apply it in physical living. in regards of lazyness the saying goes: "Make every moment count." hollywood only shows such attitude in movies where the protagonist has/gets cancer or serious disease and will die shortly. well WE ALL DIE at the end of our lives. so it does not matter how much time left, yet it matters how I direct myself while walking those moments.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procastrination and create a habit of lazyness trough creating more and more moments where i allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for what i do and what i am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use procastrination as means of getting away/escaping from responsibility from the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing what is asked/required from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for something based on fear of having to go trough negative consequences.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as the polarity of positive and negative regarding outcomes/consequences.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear going trough negative consequences/outcomes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing something because of experiencing negative consequences/outcomes.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect loosing something to death
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define loosing something within and as death.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from death and from losing something trough defining loosing something within and as death.(of me)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge punishments as a negative consequence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge rewards as positive consequence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to experience a positive consequence, and define it as a reward.

thus looping it around so when i get a reward=>positive consequence=>reward=>positive consequence, and the loop even accelerates based on the more i have the more i want because i DEsensitize myself TO IT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect procastrination to reward/positive consequence.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge "I have nothing to do" with a positive charge, and connect me experiencing it as a reward.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define procatrination within and as reward/positive outcome/consequence

this is ridiculus because I have to BREATHE ALL THE TIME. othervise i would suffocate, so here's no moment where i don't do anything at all. but comes from the point of not considering such points based on that i have given this task to the mind/body, and not taking the responsibility for it.

When and as i go into evading the responsibility of doing something I undertook, I stop and breathe.
I realise that doing my responsibilities at a later time/date is never supportive and only a way to escape from the immediate willing and directing myself here.
I commit myself to whenever a task at hand arises or when i undertake a project, to do it in that moment and direct myself from the starting point of what is best for all.

When and as i go into fearing taking responsibility for myself and my actions/activities, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i cannot not be responsible for what i am and what i participate within and as because it is all based on my acceptance and allowance, thus i determine and cause all of it.
I commit myself to take responsibility from the starting point of equality and oneness and what is best for all for my actions and for myself as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

When and as i go into fearing to loose somthing i judged as mine or part of me, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am not seperate from anything in and of this existance, thus pretending it is self-dishonesty.
I commit myself to show that noone can loose anything HERE because we are all one and equal with everything that is here.
I commit myself to show that fears are only supporting us to see understand and realise ourselves that we are holding onto things and desperatedly creating separation within and without ourselves.

When and as i go into thinking/believeing that "i have nothing to do", i stop and breathe and realise that breathing is everything i do all the time.
when and as i participate in the habit of lazyness, i stop and breathe.
I realise that lazyness is only the consequence of the accumulated decisions of not taking responsibility for myself within and as procastrination.
I commit myself to direct myself here in every moment, and make every moment count towards walking my process of equalising myself and re-birthing myself here.

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