2012-12-15

Day 153: Last-minute F(l)ight

(abrupt recitation:where "uhm" and "stuff" is in every sentence)
In elementary school in 3rd grade in mid september, i had an experience which basically I used to justify and define myself according to regarding doing anything. i mean producing something like essays or homework or crafts or anything of creation, and not just the ones that were demanded/asked of me, even when i did my own projects for myself i still applied the same attitude towards it.


First, the experience, in the beginning of the semester I started to learn a new class, actually several new ones, and thus met new teachers i've never really known just saw on corridors. And with every new teacher there's a new way of behaviour and "learning style" that is requires me to adopt to it, and i was avare of this fact, and of course i didn't like it.
so at the first some classes the teacher usually welcomes us and describes what system she uses, what she accepts or not and what she demands from us kids. it was really like hearing about a modern workforce accountant describing how it will manage and oversee that it's workers are 100% productive and never fail or miss anything because that cause loss of profit to the company. First impressions...teachers...not working towards harmony with students here.

So the half-year mark was coming around and I knew i had to write an essay but because i was all about fun and being outside and play i forgot myself to learn for it. i mean i never really read textbooks outside school, i was in a state that if i have to go to another bilding to learn than i learn there and ONLY there, and not mix it with my other stuff, so my strategy was listening 95% of the time to the class and what the teacher says and then just going on with my life outside school. and because here i see that this attitude actualy i made myself develop a great memory, i mean i could remember what the teacher said and kept this "talent" for long time and learned all my schools like this and got decent C and B grades with it through 15years of school.
so the teacher at that day just called me out and asked the lesson from me, history it was, and because i've been forgetful that week i didn't remember a thing, and just stood there saying "uhm..." "well..." and just being humiliated (or so i feeled) in front of the class, and she didn't warn me that i will make amends next time, just picked on me. after that i got an F of course and she not just written it in but also given a good 5 min lecture about why i should learn and how irresponsible i am and it was all about attacking what i did or didn't do from her point of view, and i really felt down and angry to her, because i didn't hear any empathy or understanding in the speech and she didn't care about me and my situation or what goes in me, just clearly stated that i should do what she tells me to ect.

so after that i labelled this as punishment, that i want to evade if possible. because if i'm irresponsible but noone is auditing me and demanding the result of it, then i can go along with it. of course this also motivated me to do the papers to not having to go trough that horrible(judged)experience again.

that experience caused me to create a habit (slowly but surely) to take the time for my assigment and relax and play and procastrinate 90% of the time and in the last 10% of the time just be able to will myself to do it and be able to pass.and after half a year of testing it, it seemed to work and i got those C's and some D's. and of course i enjoyed this because i could play as much i wanted in 90%of the time. what i didn't consider is the consequential otflow of living like this. only doing the needed things when i absolutely must in the last minute, without preparations or organisations.

This method altough succeeds at an average rate includes MASSIVE participation in the energy addiction in the mind, and massively increase the required dose of energy needed to maintain the system running.

more on this point next time...

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the teacher for reviewing me based on fear of acceptance and abdicating my self responsibility by blaming her
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the experience of me being humiliated in front of class about my mental capabilities.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold back my self-will and self-motivation to do the necessary assigments based on the justification that i am demotivated by the teacher's attitude towards me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the teacher to be careless about ME because of lack of attention provided in my direction.
(the class were 50ish in size for one teacher)

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