Day 154: Constant Output

this is a continuation of the previous post Day 153:Last minute F(l)ight

While investigating myself further  in this point of evading responsibility i found out that based on those fears and judgements i've created yet another addiction within me that is closely related to the energy addiction, which is the "rush hour" syndrome.

The habit of procastrination and the wanting to proove my abilities to others and show that i am able to do the tasks given to me, i created a huge friction within me, because wanting to do it and wanting to do anything else are polar opposites of each other. Both when satisfied provides an energy boost for the mind, which satisfies the addiction.

Also the two sourses are different in nature, which is based on how we as humanity define rewards. Because when I do something that i enjoy, i preferably do it as long as i'm distracted or tire myself out, just look at little kids they do this often, the parent literally have to DRAG the kid away from the toys to put them in bed or have dinner ect. because when i give comfort for myself then i DIRECT the moments of enjoyment (altough now it's based on addiction rather than expression) and it is here till i stop. WHILE when i get rewarded by another human that is instant and the moment passes away also instantly...it is just that one moment of "good boy" or "thank you" ect. yet I have conditioned myself based on my raising-up to appreciate the rewards of others than the rewards of my own.

thus this conditioned me to have the slow-steady-enjoyment type and the instant-Spike type of energy "income" that feeds my energy addiction. And this is conditioned that ALL the SOCIAL interactions are the instant-spike types, to make sure that i as a kid(or later as an adult robot) ALWAYS play along and LISTEN and COMPETE but anyway to participate in social interactions. so I call this the SOCIALISATION of the child, and trough this WHILE i choose a personality of reservedness and backstager, i did always have these spiked energy incomes at every social interaction even if it meant changing ONE WORD only.

because these two types of energy comes from two conflicting sources, i can either have one or the other but not both at the same time for long.thus this too works in cycles of repetition, and we end up repeating the same stupidity cycles, even sometimes the same dayly routine, in all our life.

So by playing all day long while being out of school i provided the first type of energy, and when in school or when handing in tests and essays i got the second type of charge...yet because i knew it will not last long i "saved" it for the best occasion, the very last moment, and then have a blast of energy.
thus i didnt write my homework at all, and only learnt home for exams in the very last moment and when having to do something waited and went on half-steam for 90% of the time then hurrying up in the last 10%.
and i did this plenty of times went trough hundreds of cycles while my mind literally eat away my body while doing so.

Here is a solution to such addiction of course. when i look at it it is clear that the main element that is missing and keeping the system running is self-direction. i never done it before this process, i never even heard of it, i knew about self-motivation, but that only satisfied my greedy nature. and also self-direction cannot be "done" in packets, i mean self-direction literally means that i direct myself here in every breath in every moment i go trough. and that is a constant "output" of activity. And the self-forgiveness and self-committments are here to support and prepare for applying such principle.
of course fully contious awareness does not come on the first day of process, nor on the tenth day it takes time and step by step i am walking closer to being aware here ALWAYS and directing myself in every moment.
So applying this principle and starting to live it actually equalises the highs and lows bringing forth a constant and continous level which is eventually rise to a point where one is expressing oneself in every breath and being that very expression of joy and sucess and fulfillment.

I suggest starting the Desteni I Process lite FREE online course and starting your journey to stabilise yourself here and be and become life at it's fullest potential that have been never experienced before.