2012-12-25

Day 159-161: sleeping in the Lion's den

(not just demonic but sexy as well)
This vacation here is really supportive...even when i'm not aware of it. As i'm "forced" to get back here where i lived with my relatives before this school.

What i realised is that many of my points are brought up as reflected by them back to me, or in the way i react to them and stopping myself from reacting and breathing here sometimes i given myself difficult times to do it. we had the family dinner and meeting thing already and today i seemed to spiral into plenty of points where i fell or at least i showed such things to me.
what actually happened here is that i started whining about what i did here and again went far into the end of the "winter holyday" and project myself into the future making assumptions if i would continue than this and that would be the consequence and based on fear of it, i started fearing my acts that i did in these three days. and started whining about them and that the things such as the desserts and the TV is soo hard to deny and not to participate ect.ect.ect. making all kinds of arguments in my head and ways to think how could i stop my participation in these points while missing the point that i WANT to give up.

Looking back to my participation this wanting actually started around the start of december, again with coming here home and being a lazy ass and falling in the points. ther i allowed myself this small at te time but stbale wanting to give this whole thing up and return to my normal life of being an irresponsible being who feeds off of his relatives and has a "great" experience as his life.
And i fear not having a great experience troughout my life.based on my addiction to energy.
I have not had one night here without a dreamon coming up in the morning(dawn) with various different points like sex and playing and agression and lazyness where i faced in my dreams that yes i am still into such things and will get involved in them while mostly being aware of the acts and consequences i do in there...of course this meant 7-9hours of sleep.
yet here i have seen understood and realised that i am the demon who's lair I'M in. i have accepted and allowed myself to be this and create the perfect "atmosphere" to maintin my way of living, and abused with manipulation the beings around me to accept allow and support this character of lazyness and such and this clearly reflects back onto me now.
yet this wanting to give up is really just from the point of me fearing to loose the way back.-i don' want to go over a brdge that i know will crumle under me and that i will have no more turning back, this is my point of no return. and this frightens me...untill i do something about it. because this is not real at all. i am aware that the process ahead of me is actually best for all and the best thing that i have ever done is to start my journey here.
in many films there are a scene where the main characters are old and looks back on his/her life and it's decisions, and thinks about what are the decisions that he/she regrets...while being at those decisions one does not think about how it effect ones life. 
this is not a hard decision at all...i stand for what is best for all inclusing myself and walking this process IS IT.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i will loose myself if i am no longer doing what i have been doing in my past ergo change.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear change
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear of change to the fear of loosing myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep the past with me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto characers and personalities that i have created based on fear of loosing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing myself based on the fear of none existance.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect and define myself based on the personalities and characters and actions and habits that i have participated within and as before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in actions and habits that is abusive to myself and all who is involved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify wanting to give up with that i have to fit into my current enviroment.
I forgive myelfs for accepting and allowing myself to wanting to fit into my enviroment and the way of it's participants based on fear of survival.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify wanting to give up with that i enjoy the activities and participation more from an energetic perspective and thus judge myself more happy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify wanting to give up with judging myself and the process as hard/difficult/impossible
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and the process i am walking as hard/difficult
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within whining about my process that it is hard/difficult
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my whining is true and valid.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see my whining as valid based on that i looked at my process from a energetic perspective which is clearly showing that by walkin g this process i am not getting/generating the same amount of energy as before, thus not feeding my energetic addiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep my energy addiction and keep producing energy in order to feed myself as the mind

gving up this process or letting go of the mind...is neither the solution. i cannot turn a blind eye to the mind as me because i AM IT thus i am working from within and AS it and forgive myself for the participations i have been doing.

when and as i go into wanting to give up walking this process, i stop and breathe.
I realise that here are no other way or method that is best for all, thus anything else would be self-dishonesty.
I commit myself to keep walking my process here, and to not allow myself to ever give up on myself and i commit myself to never deny myself the opportunity to walk my process.

this is important because here i can do nothing that would state that i cannot walk this process, only i can deny myself from that yet that would be from shame and self-dishonesty which i will not allow myself at all.
I walk this and even when i fall or fail i am standing up and going again as long as it's done.

when and as i go into whining about this process being hard or difficult, i stop and breathe.
I realise that it is only me who is seeing/ making it difficult by not letting go of points and wanting to hold onto thoughts feelings emotions belief ideas characters personalities ect. and just at a breaking point.
I commit myself to show that i am able to break through my breaking points and push trough them and direct myself here.

when and as i go into whining about my faliures and falls, i stop and breathe.
i realise that all my fails and falls are only here to assist and support me within and as reflecting myself back to me in order for me to realise the points i hav e missed before.
I commit myself to stand up from my fails/falls and investigate the points related and apply myself according to what is best for all and to prepare myself in order to not be able to fall again in those points.

I had to and still have to sleep in the lion's den for a couple of days to see understand and realise that i am the lion and the lamb and that me as my demons are in fact not at all real and only here because of my acceptance and allowance of what i have been and became.

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