2012-12-26

Day 162: Drowning in time...shift

My whole day today showed me that i accept and allow myself to "drift" in time.
First came a series of videos where the protagonist lives the past lives of it's ancestors, then came an episode from star trek voyager, where they encountered a planet where on the surface the time were 100times faster than normal and the ship has influenced in religion and culture...then this song after "lost"hours of activity:





thus here i realised what i am showing to me today.

while growing up i've not payed too much attention to time as a kid, all i knew is that from the morning at 8 till 2-4pm i have to be in school and the classes are loooooooooooong and the breaks between them are short compared to what i would like to have. and after school i can all the time in the world untill diner, then 2time for bed" sleep and start all over again tomorrow.
as getting bigger we moved a lot and i had to adjust to different times of the school...because based on various reasons they started a half hour earlier or not so my schedule has changed back and forth...
i got my tableclock when i was 12 and my first wirst watch at the age of 14 to my birthday. from that day i was really obsessed with knowing time and knowing when WHERE to be and making up for it, also measured my bike trips to the shop ad ect. so i developed myself a sense of time to be able to tell what the time is without a watch and how much time progressed since i last checked. i hadn't had time-sensitive activities except school so it was just an accomodation to how the world functions.
than while going to the university i really got into it and measuring and being keen and making sure i'm in time for everything, i mean i didn't haste but plan ahead. and play in any "spare" time i've got.

since walking with Desteni, i've realised that time is not that important at all and my sense of it is really depends on my awareness and here-ness, because when i'm here breathing...i am bale to be aware of the smallest details too within miliseconds, while on the other hand, being in the mind and time just swooosh, flyes by, and i just wake up that the day is gone again. like today.
yet here's a fear of getting lost in time as well, while actually in my mind not caring about it, which is another polarity construct that creates conflict and generates energy and resistance.

and another interesting thing: when i'm not in my mind and breathe here the first before i go into mindposession i see a judgement arise that time goes slowly, and i don't know what to do in this plenty of time, so i allow myself to think out something to pass time, and thus engage in activities where im' in my mind and "time" just passes...and i have investigated that when i do those same activities with keeping myelf here aware, it takes ages to do it...i mean i remain in breathing time and recall all the details and moments and the mass of that is enormus compared to the nothingness when i don't care and just for energy.

so actually i drown myself in the concept of loosing myself in time because i'm not self-honest about what i do, and how long i do it and the importance of every single moment that i stand for what is best for all.
i mean i have committed myself to walk this process for at least 7 years, yet even a day can "FEEL" like a decade! and this scares the mind, as me. because i have an apparent idea of how long i can exist, and thus if i feel that i am spending more time in an hour i  "feel" that i am living more of my remaining time, thus i will live a shorter lifspan in years...while it's funny that THE EXACT OPPOSITE is true, the less time in and as the mind makes less abuse and eating away of the body and the more time the body is able to sustain itself...so again a fact in front of our eyes that the world is turned upside down or downside up than what we think it is.
time backwards is EMIT, where i emmit myself into the future of what will hapen and what will i do and how long will i live as the mind...

self-forgiveness and committments next "time" :lol

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