2012-06-29

Day 55: Giving into Resistances...or not

this process is not a piece of cake-it never was-actually nothing IS. but one thing i can do is make it harder/slower for myself, and i have been pretty busy with that sometimes.

Day 47: Masturbation & Sex part 4: the change

so i were in this huge realtiosnhip and love and being high that i can have a sex with an actual human being, altough only with limitations and restrictions but thats more than nothing!

and so the times arrived where i met desteni and got into realising myself.

2012-06-27

Day 54: "Let them come" part 1

Here i realised that i have been existing within and as a personality which basically defended me from other people based on my beliefs that other people and this and that...and thus made myself only "wait for others to come to me".

Day 53: Politeness

i was taught from the very beginning of my childhood to how to behave with others and to control myself when i do something or interact with someone.

Day 52: AMAZING opportunity here NOW!

"you must watch this free video about how i made hundreds of thousands of dollars in just 1 month! i was a homeless person and now i'm a millionare!"

yes today i got into this site where the message was the above and basically it wanted to sell a blogging engine that will with dayly blogging give me a loads amount of money just for 25$ investment MONTHLY! reduced from 96$ price...

Day 51: Meetings

we meet with at least one being per day, and it becomes so automatic that we even fail to see and realise all the beings we encounter during our days...

Day 49-50: Awareness walk

two days of self contrast, 2 for the polarity, two to find the OoooWwww-Tensions, 2 to find the third one...myself.

what made me push myself to this test? the seein and the realisation of my previos days of activity...the specific writing it out does assist A LOT.

Day 48: I am an Attention Robot

as i look around and within myself i see these clear moments when i see how one is totally addicted to attention and placing attention on things...

but where does this whole point of attention comes from at all?

Day 46: Masturbation & Sex part 3: switching drugs

So i ended last post where i got all turned inside and became more of an introwert who's pretending to be an extrowert human...

Day 45:Masturbation & Sex part 2 - getting the hipe

So i left where i ghet to used to making my own enjoyment and not caring about anything at all, not even my physical body which clearly showed that it needs to stop because sometimes i did it so often that my skin on my penis was on fire and like scarthed and in pain yet i still did it...

Day 44: Masturbation & Sex part 1

this is a point-supressed for quite some time now so stopping and expanding myself within and as it here...

before this process i really got myself into plenty of masturbation and crave for sex, even if my GF was not really fond of it because of plenty of fears on her side...i would literally could just fuck for a whole day every other day! at least i wanted to...altough my long participation in masturbation got the best of my productivity and therefore i could not last as long as i could have...so it also became a huge embarrasment point too, not just because i watched porn and whacked off but because i could not proove my "manlihood capabilities" lol. so of course i got it overcompensate and went into being a womanlicker trying to give with other what i could not do with the "utility-rod" lol again.

Day 43: The Illusion of scale

The more and more we reshearch what is here the more and more anomalies we find to the ultimate "truth" that everything is in fact one and equal as all.

"even the smalles parts contain the whole universe in it's totality"

Day 42: Self-Honesty in Life

This world is full of lies and distrust and distractions and traps, all that which we create ourselves...

what does a child learn about Honesty when seeing this world? it exists but either one does not do it with others to save it's own ass (self-interest) or if one is completely brutally honest with others it's get kicked and get taken it's posessions or rights or many people will just hate him for showing their nature to them...but what a kid really sees in most human it encounters is that 99% of them are dishonest TO THEMSELVES. yes we look around shearch for it yet many times fail to see self-honesty in action. therefore we get used to it, get tired of shearching for it and just stand in line with everyone else.

Day 41: Standing HERE...for all

today i got a really supportive event i made myself into.

so i stopped for someone who "sells" something that aids nature in a way, so i went on and by the realisation that i am allowing myself to hear myself(in her) so i went on and asked about it she described the main features then we started to converse about the system and how it's really flawed.

Day 40: Stubborn as a stub

here is a difference between seld-dedication and being stubborn. many reactions lired up by just seeing the suggestion i should look into this point, yet here i am, let's face myself...

Day 39: Realising Change

so here i am walking and while walking also "had to see" what is in front of my eyes-that change is evident and i must reconsider my dayly application of myself.

day 38: Cultural Convention

I am as all humans live in a group called "society" and as all groups there must be points where all members agree on to be able to form a convention or an agreement.

Day 37: "BIG changes"

when i look at my past 20-or so years i've always existed as this point where i believed that in a human's life there are "everyday"s and "big moments" where big changes happen and the individuals experiance completely changes within a small timeframe...

Day 36: I Know what's wrong with me.

Ever felt the way you don't know where you at or what to do next? ever felt like you "can't stop" doing something? ever experienced yourself being unable to start something that would have a great effect on your life mostly towards "good" things-meaning things that will support you? i do so here's my writing out of it.

Day 35: Running away

A term used in many cases and can describe many situations...the common ground is: we all do it and every form of it is abusive.

this point has been a major point in my life, because either one or the other point i have been running away from many things for various reasons. and i've never really asked why i do it, it just became accepted as a "second nature"(a second nat(not) you're in control) and used it for quite many problems as a solution, but in the meantime here i see it only made things worse meaning i only piled up all the shit i've been running from within and as myself to eventually having to stop and bear the shit-rain and clean up all the mess i've made.

Day 34: "I have nothing to do"

at times, mostly in weekends or in school "holidays" i always got this point where i limit myself with not considering what i am able to do and what would be supportive for me and for all...

Day 33: Shame

when i started to look at/in myself in self-honesty, and see/realize all the nasty stuff i am allowing and participating within, i felt really ashamed of myself, and more i got to see the more i "drifted" into this point...

Day 32:Forgetfullness

While i used to have and train a good memory i also tended to forget somethings or select what i remember and whatnot.

(for get full mess=forgetfullness)

Day 31: When "shit hits the fan"...

...the room gets full of shit.
a quite literal saying, let's investigate what's going in/on when it happens

So i came to a point where a huge loop i made myself ended. a cycle got to it's ending. i made mistakes in this cycle, ignored any and all possible consequences and now i am in the pool of shit i made for myself.

Day 30: Stop Stand up and Change...

here, i finish myself.

this sentence moves many thoughts in a mind, mostly it is seen as a last sentence of a suicider, or when someone just cut you while you talked, but in some small amount of cases this means "i stop myself".

Day 28: Agression or Commitment?

yesterday and today i wathced myself while i drived around, and found interesting things about myself and my past...

Day 27: Being Part of a System

everywhere we look, anywhere we shearch, all we can see is systems, inside systems, inside systems...

Days 24-26: Focus or insanity&Neglection

I am standing up from my fall(s) and the fact that i have allowed myself to only participate a small amount during these days.


Day 23:TIME...consumed?

Interesting thing when we think about time as we are IN it and flow inside and being under "the law of time"...

Day 21-22: Movement here...

These two days passed like a river flows rapidly at a thin corner...altough i didn't stop or anything, and no excuses allowed, i just didn't write, altough i spoke to myself in the means of self-forgiveness and self commitment just as here...

Day 29: The joy of spite.

I see myself that when someone is having trouble or fails at some point, i usually go into a reaction of joy/laugh

Day 20: How did i want that, again?

Today this got me multiple times...to fell into the "trap of the mind" where the only outcome is more and more separation and more and more thinking.
Yet i was able to stop it with breathing and bringing myself back here.

Day 19: Advertisement

investigating this point of advertising to see all what is around/created within and as myself.


first let's see the wiki definition of the word/activity:
Advertising is a form of communication used to encourage or persuade an audience (viewers, readers or listeners. Sometimes a specific group of people.) to continue or take some new action.
whoa there. this fits pretty much ~75%(empirical) of people's communication.

Day 18: Testing...testing...are you HERE?

today finished with the writing of tests/exams and had some realizations within.
First day i realized that i actually did overcome the point of fear and anxiety and exitedness points and i were here, breathing, 'calm' and not even went into the construct of "let me see the lessons again just to refresh".

Day 17: Consequences ...

As i see we all have this yet we all pretend we don't...time to stop and open up.
I made some "mistakes" in the past because i allowed myself to fool myself and believe my lies and beliefs that "everything will be alright" yet when comes to reality, it does not.

Day 16: Acceptance

What is acceptance? how does it work? how does I work? what do i define Acceptance as? what are the practical implications of it?
I came to this point because i see myself participating within certain pattern/behaviours which seems seperate from me-which they are really not-and there are re-occurring events that shows me what i ACCEPT and allow myself. the main point i see is that ACCEPTANCE itself is not entirely clear within and as myself.

Day 15: Giving part 2

2012-05-13

And there was this belief based on the preception-but mostly want-that i am ethernal and so i saw within myself that when i give i can give it ethernally too...

Day 14: Giving part 1

2012-05-12

i've always wanted to give...

this whole story began in my youngster ages or at least the ones i still recall, i saw that my parents have a hars life of their own and they always conflicted with each other and i had this urge or wish that they could just be at peace with each other and themselves it would be more supportive for all...and i have spoke about this with them trying to question them and look for a way they can be at peace with themselves and the situations...

Day 13: Self-Irritation

2012-05-10

Recently i allowed myself couple of time to rage out for mere moments and realise myself after yet not take the necessary steps to work on this point...so i waited and waited, it came up a couple more times yet i was more aware at each occasion so i could see myself more and more clearly. here is what i found out.

Day 12: Evidance / Feedback / Consequences



Today was our last education day at school so this was the day of the "farewell day" from/for the seniors.

Day 11: Tools&Knowledge&Information as memories

2012- 05-03

As i came back from work i realized myself within and as looking back my 9 hours of it that how i existed as the physical movements.

2012-06-26

Day 10: As within, so without.

2012-05-02

so today i found out that according to how i start a scene all the feedback i get from others or the happenings are mirroring myself.

Day 9: "self"defense vs. standing up

2012-05-01

today while doing the self forgiveness in the material, aloud i had many many resistance-like happenings which made me realize myself.

Day 8: Learning-Walking Process

 2012-04-30

i reached a point in my process where i started to accelerate my process through the participation within and as other's processes especially talking about self-forgiveness here.

Day 7: Fund(a)mental

 2012-04-29


so while walking here, i see myself and realize the most fundamental thiungs about myself and how i have made things for me fundamental...but where does even this word comes from?

Day 6: "This is it!"

i've heard this a lot, really we usi it many many times throught our day but de we really know what it means?
i was just watching a playthrough of a game via the net and it was the last part of the game where you "crawl" towards the ending and the commentator said the above sentence so many times...that finally after the third of forth mentioning i realized myself and what it is as me.

Day 5: Iam what I do

Here i realized that actually i only exist as what i do...the problem is i do not "see" the most of what i do.
what i mean by i am what i do? i exist here, as all as one and equal, yet what i do in the physical, in this moment, that is me, nothing more nothing less...there is no special meaning BEHIND what i do, when i do something it is what i am...altough i do things that i am unaware in the moment, like thinking for example.

Day 4: blah blah...shut up Márton!

originally written on 2012 April 27, Friday

today is a not ordinary day because i'm here writing to paper for the first time...then typing it on comp later when i get home.
so a lot of things i've been through today, which involves heavy physical work, reasoning, problem-solving, tedious task and so on and so forth.

Day 3: Group-ping

originally written on 2012 April 24, Tuesday

today i realized myself and finally found out what makes me fall back into my chit-chatter personality when having others around me.
i was in school today and after some time as the others talked around me i allowed myself to loose myself and join the conversation even if it had no practical purpose or use, only doing verbal diaherra.

Day 0:(re)START

originally written on 2012 April 21 Saturday
 

Here I am as i walk through and as this process.
today i finished the ITD lesson 3 and while sounding the self-forgiveness application i became the realization of me.

Day 2: Limations

originally wirtten on 2012 April 23, Monday

today, at school i again reacted to the situation where we had 40 minutes lefgt of class but had nothing to do and i went into thoughts/feelings/emotions based on this event.

Day 1: PAIN

today i watched the film "three steps above heaven" and reacted to it really, so here i am taking the points one by one.

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