Day 217: P(icture) o(f) r(idiculus) n(onsense)

yeah you read it right, this is about the images and moving pictures about reproduction.

so let me start at the beginning where i started to employ my mind with these kinds of activities that also stimulative although here i found out that it's only making my situation worse.

as i was in my teenage years as i have already written about, i started to want some different kind of entertainment for myself, and i found out by seemingly an accident how to make myself enjoy.

yet my relation with such images are came to me far later when i had PRIVATE access to the internet.

the first time, i mean i always knew that such sites are existing on the web, but i didn't know any specific addresses, so i didn't get to them. although as with everything i picked this one up at school as everything else. i overheard conversations, and seen some browsing while in informatics class. thus when i got home, i also wanted to see it for myself, and how it "works"

...other part lost in the cloud of me...

Day 218: Writers block?

How hard can i make myself cry for my own help?
How hard can i make myself want to give up?
How much do i allow myself to stop caring?
How can i allow this?

tried to make reasons that made me stop...could not find any, because here is none.

i am eating myself up from the inside without teeth, all the time, but it doesn't hurt so i dont listen to it
does it NEED TO HURT for me to SEE???

asking these questions...pops up a pretty common one: AM I INSANE?
lol the fun in it is that i know the answer to it.

this is not about the past 6motnh where i didn't do what i destined myself to do, i stood, i fell, just as before, yet i also showed myself that i dont allow myself to be as strong as i BELIEVE myself to be.
i fell back to overestimating myself, back to the comfy ego position...and what did i do about it?...look the other way!

it was a slow process that led here, i participated in actions i did not want to allow, and it spiralled to this point where i almost fell to the start while wasting myself and others.
yet: "can't choose where i came from, but can choose where i go from HERE"
therefore all in all, it's here i am starting to keep myself, again, yet it takes time, again, and a bit more effort than previously, because i made it harder. i can make it easy yet i would feel that i need punishment for my self abuse-like the effect of the abuse wouldn't be enough-but this is NOT CORRECT.
so stopping the feelings emotions thoughts...getting myself back here, breathing, this is my job, and i better get to it.


Day 216: Booting up...

The past is past, and ther is nothing to write about it, it happened and i bear the consequences of it no matter how much i would like to miss them.

these consequences are mostly about having problems starting over fresh, and being over encumbered with work to do. i did not even understood how much work i made for myself by not doing it dayly.

Yet i look forward and bring myself back HERE wherever i have been in my mind, and step by step work myself through the constructs of my mind matrixes and all the bullshit i have been putting onto myself, gettin rid of it, by forgiving it and releasing it and commiting myself to live and exist as a better human being in this world.

there have been a ton of point that i am going to work on in the next few days, and i'm keeping myself here, breathing, one by one i write them out.


Day 215: I'm sick of this ...

not just of it, but also because of it. and this "it" is me.
I do and don't do things, i am committed myself to do, and i speak and stay quiet about things i committed to speak/write.
so what is this all made of then? i mean i do the "good" things and the "bad" things to myself at not really an equal measure, thus making my scale turn towards one side...the one that is killing me.
But the one doing it is me.
thus to stop myself from killing me for nothing, i have to stop doing the things that get me there, out of standing up for myself as life, because i am worth life only if i stand up and accept nothing else than life within and as myself.

i could be shearching the reasons and justifications of why i stopped my processing, and writing and went back to some old habits, yet first i have to stop them.
how to stop myself? that's something i as the mind as the abuser don't want to get to know. because then it's just over.

cutting the source is my best option to make this work.
i mean making decisions that keep me alive in my dire situation against my process is fine, because first i have to be able to eat,drink,breathe then i can work on me.
i see i missed tons of opportunity, wasted not only mine but other's time and money too, and i can't turn it back, so i am making up for it by doing it here as i can.


Day 214: CLONING

I realized this "ability" on myself, on how i as my mind ADAPT to any given situation while keeping myself in a bubble and creating multiple of them at the same time.

This is what i call cloning myself, well not really myself, but the ones i'm in direct contact with at that moment.
for example today as i went out to our community kitchen, i found there an exchange-student, and started some talking, when i came back i realized that after 2 sentences of his i copied his stance/emotions, smile, and starting to the conversation, and was also that smiley guy talking about nothing.

later i reviewed my past a bit where i participated in an MMO game and on a sound communication program at the same time. and i see that i did this cloning personalities there many many times.
well if it was new to me, if i already had the personality that matched to theirs i just took it up.
thus this ensures that when a group of people come together they can mess up time and themselves even more effectively than alone, hence the reason noone parties alone :D

and although this is a major realization on myself it needs a more intricate and detailed analysis which i am on doing still.


Day 213: The right way up

What did i do to make me hard to start-again the blog writing and all the other activities i have been off? i took on other tasks instead of restarting to do the old ones.
they are also supportive, and in a different area where i lacked before, still i CANNOT allow myself to stop writing or self-forgiving because "i do other ways now".


Day 212: The journey...

long time no writing. this i have talked a lot inside myself, had many thoughts and feelings about it, thus is had many things to write about, still i didn't write it here.
I completed my stating that i stand for 21days without computers and i stood still in the midst of a shack house with 8-10 hours of physical work/day every day.
still this is not about that.

then after two weeks later, i WALKED physically a journey up a mountain to get my paperwork done, which was a journey of a kind, where i realized myself and breathed and walked as myself here. and it showed me what i am and where am i in my journey to life.

after 200 days i skipped almost 60...and i have only 21 day without computers where on each day i have handwritten my posts.

yet i allowed myself to fall based on the point of unawareness and not being clear with myself.
and since then i did not allow myself to completely stand up again and recover myself and walk again here in text format which will remain as long as the servers last.

interestingly the physical walking and the text/writing walking can be separated, yet in separation is the demon of myself where i separate myself FROM MYSELF which is 100% dishonesty with/to myself.
another "sign" i created to myself as a flag that i saw a "JTL" numbered license plate on a car where i sat.
thus here i am again shaking off the dust and blood and black dishonesty and working through the whole thing again. because i am not allowing myself to stop based on pity and whining and lazyness and all the other things i throw at me just to not do it...THIS ENDS HERE!


D211: This is not working!

Many times i tangle myself in the endless web of my thoughts feelings and emotions for one one "purpose": to distract, to destroy, to convey.

throught my life i had many things done, and many things failed...or so i thought i failed, and every faliure counted inside me as a mark that i'm worthless and hopeless, and that i can't do that thing which i failed in previously. the more i failed the more i started to justify my failures with outside things like the program's not working, others fault, always trying to save at least a little pride and reason why i should continue with trying.


Day 210: switch off

Apparently again i have activated my deactivation sequence...another back-door into my mind, where i can "pause" any activity for unanswered reasons.

this meaning to not do my responsibilities, that i took up dayly, but just reverting to eat-sleep-mindshit/relax cycle of endlessness.

just having schoolwork-examperiod, and doing online classes which again i failed to keep up...generally i'm behind in everything because of this point.


Day 209: Modifying factors...

In terms of physical living, i am bound to comply with the rules and laws of the physical. although humanity and me have been very much defining things to being falling into such category while it is not at all part of such rules/laws but i am simply cannot understand the equation of those particular things, thus making it a mystery and stating that it has power over me.


Day 208: where am i?

Although i repositioned myself back here, it does seem like is slide along a path of descent. the key point in this is that this is an EXPERIENCE, and not a physical thing, thus i create this experience of me sliding off-track, with the many things i have do attend to, so time to stop it here. i'm not worrying about the COD series, nor my way many days missing, because worry is just another mindfuck of it's own, so here i stand, again, regarding creating an experience from my failures.


Day 207: re-turning on-me

A bit of play with words, here i return to myself as i re-turn on myself and my eye and self-honesty on me, and direct myself and lead saying "on me!" and walk again on my path and journey to life, as writing a blog daily here.

this post assisted a lot with this returning, see for assistance:


Day 206: Cycles of doom - part 12 - turnover at exit no.X

over and over the cycles continue, over and over i repeat my mistakes of not standing up by going into activities and justifications where at the end of the day i skipped my responsibilities.

yes it's warm and i have at least 8 things to do right now all of them are equally immediately required from me...
but i've got here by not taking them one at a time when i had my time for them...so to exit is to give up ALL my time including sleeptime to get myself back into the line? NO.

because i am the same way responsible for my own human physical body the best way to solve this is to stop any and all activity not about my responsibilities and doing only those ones i have to...one by one.

it's not easy to over make myself work and study especially (1university course, 3online courses, 2desteniIprocesses, ect.) so yes it's me who took all these to meet them, so i have to do them myself.
so here i start doing it :D


Day 202:silence - work, apply, practice

it is interesting that i am not classifying myself as talkative or outgoing in the sense of communication, still while looking at my past living moments, when i get into a situation of communication, especially verbally, i really am talkative and over-expressive, although this has triggering points in front of it.

by that i mean i go into thinking and connecting things and it is quite a habit to speak to me, haven't considered it this way but it's not JUST a habit, its more like an addiction. a controlled one. i can control that i don't communicate all the time but when i have to opportunity-coming from my opportunitist "personality" and then i just blow it out/explode all my communication.

i mean it's not the amount that is the problem here, because it is assistive and supportive to be able to communicate 100% of what i'd like to share, the problem is with the starting point of it, and that it is NOT a self-expression but rather just reactions and systems and addictions playing out.

altough because the starting point is the base of any point in me, i have to deconstruct the whole thing, then apply the change AS myself to/as the starting point, and then rebuild the whole communication point again.
i have the tools, i have the "time", i have myself...so i just start it.


Day 201: Silence

getting aware of myself when speaking...after a lot of talk/chat with my relatives.


Day 205: Cycles of Doom - part11 - the other side

in order to understand myself, and what i do and how i do it and what i have as trigger points, i also have to consider what is it BEING IN IT. i mean i experienced it many times now, still when i did it last time-last couple days-i was aware because i written out some points of it...

so what's it like being indulged in the cycle of doom?
its just like nothing. and i mean literally nothing. because apart from the fact that a week has passed in the calendar nothing remains from the cycle. when i get out of it/reach the turning point/end/beginning, the whol inside of the cycle seems closed off. like it had been just missing one moment. altough i have memories from within it, but it just passed as a moment...sometimes a day others a week even once i had a whole month pass like a second!

and its all my responsibility. i am aware of this.
every moment within being sucked into the cycle i am not standing up and accepting and allowing myself to stay that way. and then physical consequences/slap comes that snaps me out of it...then i have to face my concequences for not being HERE.
its really an experience noone should have.

i had enough! sometimes i just want to run away...others i would just easily give all up to make someone stop it...anyone BUT me. this i can't do more...its no solution at all...yet when i start to take it piece by piece, it's like opening a really stuffed wardrobe...everything just falls onto me and covers me all up. hard to choose what to start with.


Day 204: Cycles of Doom - part 10 - doubt of me

Today, i have been exposed to intense physical work, again, and i will do the same for the next3-4 days too.
physically i am well fit and muscular enough to do the job, that's not a problem at all. still when i look at my day as a whole, i see that many times the point of doubt arose within me.


Day 200: A mile of stones

Here, now, as i started to have my time for writing my blog, this point came up.
i know this is the 200th blog i write, altough NOT the 200th day since i first started this journey to life.


Day 199: Cycles of Doom - part 9 - fight or flight or both

as i have previously already started, i'm here looking into the point of falling out of reality, when in certain conditions. today i was able to stand and investigate this point -in the making - so to say, because i was placing myself into the same circumstances and listen to my body without going into justifications and judgements or thinking about it, so here i am writing down these findings in order to work on them as myself.

first not is that this whole point is linked to the person giving the lecture, meaning that it is connected to the specific people meaning i react to THAT person in my enviroment, with wanting to not listen to him and backing out of rality FROM him-which is essentially a sign of FEAR of/from that person.

trough this fear, that i allow myself to go into without any consideration of the other, i start to either go into hate, for example talk badly, verbally bully the other, or go into evasion, not looking at him, not hearing what he says then blanking out completely into a nap.
both of these are also while suppressing my fear, almost instantly. this is not a real polarity because there happened where i did both at the same time.


Day 198: Cycles of Doom - part 8 - back door

Previously i realized this point where based on certain circumstances i accept and allow myself to fall out of reality, sometimes even become unconscious, and let the mind take over completely.


Day 197:Cycles of Doom - part 7 - commit instead of plan

in the previous two posts in Day 195 and Day 196, i have been discussing and forgiving the points on planning and my attitude towards the future. HERE i do my commitment statements to prepare myself for success and set up directive principles within and as my self-direction, to such occurrences of point to be able to stand the test of time.


Day 196: Cycles of doom - part 6 - wiping the table clean

in the previous post HERE, i have started doing my Self-Forgiveness on the point of planning within this cyclic dooming myself to fail point. so here are the rest of it:


Day 195: Cycles of Doom - part 5 - where all plan fails

As i have been going through my posts i have found that i've been tackled this point before, yet i did not do any self-forgiveness or self-corrective statements on these points, so again, another evidence that without utilizing these tools i cannot change myself, only delay the evident...
here in this post, it's clear i saw a snippet of this point, so let me continue and do my forgiveness on it too this time!


Day 194: Cycles of Doom - part 4 - where to start, what to do, when to stop?

while working with myself, going through my points and my misses, and the experience i went into while skipping my things and responsibilities i realized a pattern i use which then leads to me not doing a darn thing.


Day 193: Cycles of Doom - part 3 - missing...

another point i realized is that while walking my days i sometimes black-out, meaning that i somehow loose myself in time&space and after a couple of minutes find out that i've been gone for some moments.


Day 192:Cycles of Doom - part 2 - investigation

so let me look into this point of what do i do to not start.
seems obvious, i do something ELSE.


Day 191:Cycles Of Doom - part 1 - ready steady GO!

Starting someting...i've written about this earlier, yet still not done with the point yet.
the most crazy thing is that i block myself from realising what made me not-start something...or at least i tried :D


Day 190: Catching up

Here i realized a point which i could not understand so far nor could i describe it for what or where it's coming from. while it's easy, i just tried to shearch a reason or definition of it within and as my mind and could not find any.


Day 189: Must act rationally...every moment

in the last two weeks, i've been in a sort of fight with myself, which boiled down due to money.
it is clear that today in order for me to be able to sustain my body in terms of energy physically i need to eat at least X calories/day. it can be calculated but it does not matter exactly. what it matters that it is a MUST.


Day 188: transitioning a start

Because life is cyclic, It's common sense that i have again reached a point of "turnover" wherei kind of start my learning and continuing the walking and developement of myself here.

this is because i have went into a sort of "break" time, where altough i have not changed my walking physically, i allowed myself to stop the dayly task i've been doing...

yet this breaking is just a sign of me not allowing myself to be continuos and stable indefinately.
how long and how many loops have i get to go thorugh untill i get to everlasting standing? i'm not guessing it, because it doesn't matter.

all that matters is that i finally got myself together here to start my daily writings again, and arrange my schedules to be effective and active, and make sure that i DO complete my responsibilities.

when i fell into this loop of staticness, i allowed myself to believe that i'm overwhelmed, so more will be written about this later, also seen the point of not feeling myself to be ready to restart untill certain conditions met...again BIG LIE to myself which also needs investigation. and some relevant ppints with motivation too. so here i have plenty of points to write out...let's start!


Day 187: wore down

so as i look around here, i see many others being tired and down after a day of mostly doing nothing just listening to others and entertaining themselves, and when one gets into real physical hard work, like at the stables, they can sleep 4-6hours more than the usual 8-9h.


Day 186: REplace

I suck.
it takes only two characters in this to change it to:
I rock.
but this difference is called replacing the letters in the word, while actually it's changing them to other letters.


Day 185:Flawless maximalism

here's a video of expanding the point.

so here are the forgiveness on the points for it:


Day 184: asserting myself into

As i've been living my life as a listener more than a participant, altough i have been participating in mindshite all over my head, i was PRETENDING to be quite outgoing at least with friends i carefully chosen and selected.


Day 183: HSS

it stands for "Hurt?! Separation Syndrome?!" for the Homo Sapiens Sapiens :lol


Day 182: Starting from...?

Today I totally reworked my computer system, and the previous days have been spent with the preparations to it...yet it takes me a whole week! although taking my time, and making sure everything will be in place and how i need it is worth the preparation, anyway it's way more effective to prepare myself for success than create a bunch of points where i can fail that cause drawbacks.


Day 181: stop looking THERE

(Scanning the Horizon by Donald Smith)
i'm realising more and more how much i do went into participating within and as looking for something "out there", yet this as all points originates from me, so let me take a look.

Day 180: Link deleted...

the previous post here shows and expands on the point of programming and the problems and solutions to connecting my programming to energy and points to achieve this, so here comes the application of the solution:


Day 179: the Digital curse

Programs, they control our way of interaction, our commands are carried out by them, they often makes us happy or sad, blissed or angry, or just do the work what we don't want to.
I mean partially here about computer programs...and a little about our mind-programs as well of course.

what's the problem with programs? what i asked myself...why the f* i get angry at them? who am i really angry at? and where do i create this anger from?


Day 178: The End of abusive stories

here is the forgiveness on the points regarding the previous two posts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to gather information and knowledge in order to generate memories from it and create and maintain a flow of energy thorugh the mind.


Day 177: the best-sellers are the beast-tellers

yesterday i have wirtten about the point of telling stories and that our childhood stories do effect our life because those are the ones we shape our understanding of the world around us...

so the questions of why and how this is working and where it comes from is asked...


Day 176: Storytelling

wherever i look i see this, we all participate in it, we all know it, and we all accepted and allowed ourselves to NOT consider what it is and what we are causing with our participation within and as it.


Day 175: Consistency

When i started this walking of the journey to life, i stopped myself from thinking ahead and planning ahead or hoping for the future or even stopped guessing how i will walk it. All i did was to dedicate myself to walking it daily.

Yet while i look back at all these posts it is clearly visible that my writings had not been continuos, indicating the weak point in my process here...and that is consistency.

I mean doing something from dedication is okay, yet i also decided to do this daily no matter what...
this is to reflect this to myself and get this point out here to see and work on, because it's not just about my blog-writing here, but also of my other responsibilities.

and first when i realised my inconsistency i allowed myself to backchat about it as "why do i can't keep my word?" and "what makes it impossible to do such tasks?" and here lies the problem in front of me...myself.
by going through these questions trying to desperately answer them and find the problem to fix it and get on...i missed that what i do IS the problem itself. those are not self-honest questions at all!
the real question is "what and how do i do to block/prevent myself from getting my responsibilities done?"

i use anything i have to justify my actions...because consistency would mean i have to constantly change/direct myself...and from a mind perspective where i used to just hang onto the flow and "enjoy" this is a really hard task and not what i would like to do.

another interesting thing is that such defiency comes up when i don't have to be a slave to something physical, for example school-going or working or something that someone ELSE have organised/planned...thus a kind of seking leadership, and when nothing's around i follow the mind where it goes. this i realised while watching the star wars: clone wars series...where there is no episode without presenting an "order structure/hierarchy".
altough this again is just one end of a polarity because i really liked to manipulate/control other's behaviour and lives...which also just reflects me that i'm not directing myself here.

this must stop here.
i am changeing myself, breath by breath, step by step, and directing myself point by point. it takes a process while the decision is instant.
I am here, I walk this process and not accepting nor allowing any giving up or retreat.


Day 174: worst case scenario

yep this is it, after all this crap i'm putting myself through i'm here asking this one simple question...from me.
"whats the worst possible outcome?"

i mean, we all ask this when facing ANYTHING, let it be buying food or a car or paying for insurance, or going to school, or anything considering us, and even beyond that limit, when we vote for election of "representatives" and watch the news and ... well all the time.

that's a bit too much, and when some peeps come with the "don't be so negative!" and "look at the bright side of life" crap, they are the ones who do it massively, yet supress it so much that they are not even conscious about it. i'm not pointing finger at others, i did the same thing too!

and as long as i'm at this question, let's bring another one into the canvas:
"what is the meaning of life?"

because based on the actions above described and listed it seems that the meaning of our lives are to look for the worst possible events in the future/present/past.

so HERE is no such thing as a worst outcome. yes i might die, as i will certainly sometime, but the most feared thing that is almost as high or higher than death is fear of change..."OMG I'M gonna change!" "The worlds gonna change!" "humans will be better!" oh nooooooooooooooooooooooo....
as the screaming goeas echoing around in my head...lol

as has been presented the lack of change through the eons of time shows that we can no longer postpone change...it's inevitable, i can fight it of course, i can fight myself of who i am as life as all as one and equal...yet firtly i cannot stop change and second that is just making everyone's process harder and prolonged-thus doing what's worst for all...and that's even with the fear a NO-GO!

i cannot accept and allow to fight and resist change of myself here...so i am not...and this is a decision and i direct myself through to live by this...


Day 173: Copy...right? part 3 solution & rewards

In the previous 2 posts i've discussed how i came to the sense of ownership and the second written about copyrights and the stupidity behind it. part 1, part 2


Day 172: Copy...right? part 2 the problem

In the previous post here, i've been writing down the concepts and source/starting points behind ownerships, and owning something, that is based on fears.

Here i continue with the issue of copyrights.
(C.Kirk Fine Art 2010"no, it's mine")


Day 171: Copy...right? part 1 origins

(lol, this pic is not "mine", see where it came from)
AS i look at our history, within and as myself too, we developed a sense of ownership, i mean rather forced on to existance.


Day 170: Shame on(f) me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in distractions of the mind, in order to stop me from taking self responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create distractions for myself and lure myself into participating within and as them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing that is more than what is here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to get where is more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for more of anything ethernally, thus create and manifest and accept and allow the very existance of greed itself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only consider/care about my goal within and as greed, and completely forget and miss not just the world around me HERE but also myself as what and who i am and have become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe  that what is more than me is outside of me, seperate.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy of being one and equal to that something more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself based on my self judgement that i am not worthy of being/becoming more than what i precieve myself to be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself based on the shame i feel about myself as who i judge myself to be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only consider myself from the perspective of what i precieve myself of what i am.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise what and who i am within and as all of me and my accepted and allowed nature.


Day 169: Directing "reasonless"

As i've grown up, i had to accept the concept of a child/teen or any student aged human is obliged to learn, and thus have only responsibilities towards school. and thus when in betwwen semesters or years, based on this concept the student "can" experience the lack of responsibility.
Thus in these periods the kids go and "have time to enjoy life" as grown-ups describe it. but it's actually openly encourageing students who are not directed by parents to take a part-time job or any other projects for breaks, to participate within and as the poalrity of work-relaxation, and that these two are dependent on each other.


Day 168: learning or entertainment?

While walking through the point of regret, i saw another point that was under the veil of it.
First it seemed addiction to entertainment, based on that i watched tons of videos about a car-racing game, after walking that here, i found that i actually watched 53 episodes (15-25min each) of it just to learn about driving and cars ect. Yet i knew exactly that these are only "decoys" too, i mean yes i built up my personalities layered because i added my addictions and whatnot layer by layer, breath by breath lost.


Day 166-167: Falling in the pond of regret.

In these two days, i've been investigating myself in the point of regret...it is interesting that in educational material such as movies of TV shows/series, regret is almost a non existant thing...i mean it is only protrayed at the end of a conclusion (movie ending, end of a long life) where the character THINKS back looking back at his/her life and seeking points that he/she would change according to the current KNOWLEDGE of itself and the consequences that happened after. and even then the message of every such scenes is: "i would not change a thing". so it's not only TABOO to discuss regret yet it is protrayed as a normal thing and that everything is fine as it is.


Day 165: Blind Driving

I've just had to realise this point while writing out another and pushing through my resistance of being completely self-honest with myself, and first time in my life i am realising that i am LITERALLY driving blind here.


Day 164: Spac(e)ial effects

 just arrived back here at the dorm from the "holyday break" and while looking at myself and summing up what and how i stood/fall in this time-frame while i was "away".

I really was away per say, because i was more in the mind than here at the dorm...so i still have been accepting and allowing myself to be effected by the place i am staying. I've made a post on it earlier here, yet this time it was a bit different. i mean it was not the place specifically but the beings and enviroment itself as a whole that i used as a justification, and the different aviability of acess to my files/links ect. and thus i allowed myself to fall back to lay back from being here.

yet with the assistance and support of fellow destonians, i was able to stop the cycle of spiralling into the mind completely and bring myself back here and do my responsibilities as i was able to.
I will work on family relations in the following blogs and investigate and process and let go of such constructs/manifestations wihtin and as me.

keep breathin' ...


Day 163: ProSpection 2012

It's again the part of the calendar where humans increase the number of counts in the calendar. and as a global (half of the population at least) cultural behaviour, one looks back at the past and forward into the future, taking assumptions summarising, making lists, judgeing the past "year" making promises for the next year to accomplish and of course having pleasurable events all around the globe where they waste many many resources to entertain themselves.

yes i am a human too lol, still as i have investigated and found out not participating in such customs and cultural events are actually supportive.
I'm not writing here a retro-spection of what happened in the last year, what was my mistakes ect. nor about what i want to achieve for the next turn of the calendar...

Here is a moment, here's another and the previous is GONE and only exist in my memory if i remember it, but also that previous memory and all the effects and consequences are also within and as me ergo. i am it. thus even without a memory/mind, i am all the moments of the existance "previously" existing moments...the sum of all.
Thus counting the moments and specifying seconds, minutes,days,weeks,months,years are only a practical tool nothing else.

I have been so much holding onto the past, making notes about myself, what i didn't see is that without this i didn't want to take responsibility for how i spend my time dayly...so i wrote down how long i did what even made spreadsheets about it, and made it statistical...bullshit. i just used the "lack of knowledge" to justify me not standing up. it's not about precision, but commitment and directing myself here in EVERY moment till the last one and beyond.
Another tool i made for myself is a when and what i eaten so body intake-ottake stats. this is actually suportive to see the changes i've made in my diet and how my body responds to it...but also the time here is really not that much important.

about 2013...well...i'm not making promises, this process is about walking breath by breath, day by day, and  physically walking/expressing my forgivenesses and commitments. no speculation, no waiting, just breathing here and doing what i have to. for example stopping myself from using justifications to not standup in points...
So i don't whish you anything, i altough sugges investigating the DesteniIprocess lite (free) and pro version to which the links are all around the site here...