Day 174: worst case scenario

yep this is it, after all this crap i'm putting myself through i'm here asking this one simple question...from me.
"whats the worst possible outcome?"

i mean, we all ask this when facing ANYTHING, let it be buying food or a car or paying for insurance, or going to school, or anything considering us, and even beyond that limit, when we vote for election of "representatives" and watch the news and ... well all the time.

that's a bit too much, and when some peeps come with the "don't be so negative!" and "look at the bright side of life" crap, they are the ones who do it massively, yet supress it so much that they are not even conscious about it. i'm not pointing finger at others, i did the same thing too!

and as long as i'm at this question, let's bring another one into the canvas:
"what is the meaning of life?"

because based on the actions above described and listed it seems that the meaning of our lives are to look for the worst possible events in the future/present/past.

so HERE is no such thing as a worst outcome. yes i might die, as i will certainly sometime, but the most feared thing that is almost as high or higher than death is fear of change..."OMG I'M gonna change!" "The worlds gonna change!" "humans will be better!" oh nooooooooooooooooooooooo....
as the screaming goeas echoing around in my head...lol

as has been presented the lack of change through the eons of time shows that we can no longer postpone change...it's inevitable, i can fight it of course, i can fight myself of who i am as life as all as one and equal...yet firtly i cannot stop change and second that is just making everyone's process harder and prolonged-thus doing what's worst for all...and that's even with the fear a NO-GO!

i cannot accept and allow to fight and resist change of myself here...so i am not...and this is a decision and i direct myself through to live by this...


Day 173: Copy...right? part 3 solution & rewards

In the previous 2 posts i've discussed how i came to the sense of ownership and the second written about copyrights and the stupidity behind it. part 1, part 2


Day 172: Copy...right? part 2 the problem

In the previous post here, i've been writing down the concepts and source/starting points behind ownerships, and owning something, that is based on fears.

Here i continue with the issue of copyrights.
(C.Kirk Fine Art 2010"no, it's mine")


Day 171: Copy...right? part 1 origins

(lol, this pic is not "mine", see where it came from)
AS i look at our history, within and as myself too, we developed a sense of ownership, i mean rather forced on to existance.


Day 170: Shame on(f) me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in distractions of the mind, in order to stop me from taking self responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create distractions for myself and lure myself into participating within and as them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing that is more than what is here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to get where is more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for more of anything ethernally, thus create and manifest and accept and allow the very existance of greed itself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only consider/care about my goal within and as greed, and completely forget and miss not just the world around me HERE but also myself as what and who i am and have become.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe  that what is more than me is outside of me, seperate.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy of being one and equal to that something more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself based on my self judgement that i am not worthy of being/becoming more than what i precieve myself to be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself based on the shame i feel about myself as who i judge myself to be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only consider myself from the perspective of what i precieve myself of what i am.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise what and who i am within and as all of me and my accepted and allowed nature.


Day 169: Directing "reasonless"

As i've grown up, i had to accept the concept of a child/teen or any student aged human is obliged to learn, and thus have only responsibilities towards school. and thus when in betwwen semesters or years, based on this concept the student "can" experience the lack of responsibility.
Thus in these periods the kids go and "have time to enjoy life" as grown-ups describe it. but it's actually openly encourageing students who are not directed by parents to take a part-time job or any other projects for breaks, to participate within and as the poalrity of work-relaxation, and that these two are dependent on each other.


Day 168: learning or entertainment?

While walking through the point of regret, i saw another point that was under the veil of it.
First it seemed addiction to entertainment, based on that i watched tons of videos about a car-racing game, after walking that here, i found that i actually watched 53 episodes (15-25min each) of it just to learn about driving and cars ect. Yet i knew exactly that these are only "decoys" too, i mean yes i built up my personalities layered because i added my addictions and whatnot layer by layer, breath by breath lost.


Day 166-167: Falling in the pond of regret.

In these two days, i've been investigating myself in the point of regret...it is interesting that in educational material such as movies of TV shows/series, regret is almost a non existant thing...i mean it is only protrayed at the end of a conclusion (movie ending, end of a long life) where the character THINKS back looking back at his/her life and seeking points that he/she would change according to the current KNOWLEDGE of itself and the consequences that happened after. and even then the message of every such scenes is: "i would not change a thing". so it's not only TABOO to discuss regret yet it is protrayed as a normal thing and that everything is fine as it is.


Day 165: Blind Driving

I've just had to realise this point while writing out another and pushing through my resistance of being completely self-honest with myself, and first time in my life i am realising that i am LITERALLY driving blind here.


Day 164: Spac(e)ial effects

 just arrived back here at the dorm from the "holyday break" and while looking at myself and summing up what and how i stood/fall in this time-frame while i was "away".

I really was away per say, because i was more in the mind than here at the dorm...so i still have been accepting and allowing myself to be effected by the place i am staying. I've made a post on it earlier here, yet this time it was a bit different. i mean it was not the place specifically but the beings and enviroment itself as a whole that i used as a justification, and the different aviability of acess to my files/links ect. and thus i allowed myself to fall back to lay back from being here.

yet with the assistance and support of fellow destonians, i was able to stop the cycle of spiralling into the mind completely and bring myself back here and do my responsibilities as i was able to.
I will work on family relations in the following blogs and investigate and process and let go of such constructs/manifestations wihtin and as me.

keep breathin' ...


Day 163: ProSpection 2012

It's again the part of the calendar where humans increase the number of counts in the calendar. and as a global (half of the population at least) cultural behaviour, one looks back at the past and forward into the future, taking assumptions summarising, making lists, judgeing the past "year" making promises for the next year to accomplish and of course having pleasurable events all around the globe where they waste many many resources to entertain themselves.

yes i am a human too lol, still as i have investigated and found out not participating in such customs and cultural events are actually supportive.
I'm not writing here a retro-spection of what happened in the last year, what was my mistakes ect. nor about what i want to achieve for the next turn of the calendar...

Here is a moment, here's another and the previous is GONE and only exist in my memory if i remember it, but also that previous memory and all the effects and consequences are also within and as me ergo. i am it. thus even without a memory/mind, i am all the moments of the existance "previously" existing moments...the sum of all.
Thus counting the moments and specifying seconds, minutes,days,weeks,months,years are only a practical tool nothing else.

I have been so much holding onto the past, making notes about myself, what i didn't see is that without this i didn't want to take responsibility for how i spend my time dayly...so i wrote down how long i did what even made spreadsheets about it, and made it statistical...bullshit. i just used the "lack of knowledge" to justify me not standing up. it's not about precision, but commitment and directing myself here in EVERY moment till the last one and beyond.
Another tool i made for myself is a when and what i eaten so body intake-ottake stats. this is actually suportive to see the changes i've made in my diet and how my body responds to it...but also the time here is really not that much important.

about 2013...well...i'm not making promises, this process is about walking breath by breath, day by day, and  physically walking/expressing my forgivenesses and commitments. no speculation, no waiting, just breathing here and doing what i have to. for example stopping myself from using justifications to not standup in points...
So i don't whish you anything, i altough sugges investigating the DesteniIprocess lite (free) and pro version to which the links are all around the site here...