2013-01-05

Day 165: Blind Driving

I've just had to realise this point while writing out another and pushing through my resistance of being completely self-honest with myself, and first time in my life i am realising that i am LITERALLY driving blind here.


I mean that before this whole process thing i have always looked ahead planned or just simple already knew my future because i decided WAY BEFORE i actually got into a situation. and putting myself on an automated mode with pre-made answers and choices prepped in the mind ready for delivering them at the right moment, thus i didn't have to "worry" or care about when i have to make such decisions because i already made them in advance.

so while writing about the point of guilt and regret and holding onto the past i had to realise that i actually fear letting go of the past or the future more so. I mean i blame and punish myself for me not standing in the past or recent past and thus making the way ahead of me to do this and that at a given time ahead of me, like i will write a blog from 22:00 and learn till 24:00 then go sleep till 06:00 yet this whole thing is only to keep myself trapped not only in time but in and as this making decisions ahead, trying to be in the future instead of being here within and as breath in every moment.

and because i CAN direct myself to do anything and change myself here instantly (almost) this way i CANNOT be sure of what will i do even after a minute or so...thus when i'm totally self-honest to myself i cannot be sure about the future at all...BECAUSE IT DOES NOT EXIST! lol
yet this habit and urge remains for me to want to create it. before it's here.
so like driving blindly and you cannot listen to your co-driver at all because he's just to abuse and use you...it's different than what i used to exist like.
so i start here to build my trust that being here breathing and directing myself in and as them moment is more than enough because i am able to see what is best for all or not wihtin a moment and decide based upon it in the moment when it's time for it. not sooner nor later.
The other holding back point regarding this is that i'm not just not seeing the road ahead of me i don't know the car i'm driving. i mean i am not yet fully able to know the details of my body and when it tells me what...i understand it to a degree but i don't even know what degree i do...and this is again the memind kicking in again wanting to knwo everything to be prepared for everything. it's fine because it takes a process to be aware of myself and my body. no rushing here...just keeping on breathing and working...

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