2013-01-07

Day 166-167: Falling in the pond of regret.

In these two days, i've been investigating myself in the point of regret...it is interesting that in educational material such as movies of TV shows/series, regret is almost a non existant thing...i mean it is only protrayed at the end of a conclusion (movie ending, end of a long life) where the character THINKS back looking back at his/her life and seeking points that he/she would change according to the current KNOWLEDGE of itself and the consequences that happened after. and even then the message of every such scenes is: "i would not change a thing". so it's not only TABOO to discuss regret yet it is protrayed as a normal thing and that everything is fine as it is.


By looking at my life while being here without judgement i found out that actually i carry A LOT of regret in me all the time.
i mean i didn't even had to shearch for the moments i regret because they just came pouring down, to show me that i am carriing a quarter of my past on my back continuosly.
I made plenty of "decisions" which i only had that way because i supressed myself and my realisations and facts and allowed myself to be a slave of my own stupidity of following blindly the steps of my mind.

before I started this process i even had moments where i outbursted in anger and hatred towards myself based on my regretting.

but all this regreat is just based on fear of loosing myself. yet i was not even aware of what i am. Regret is like the memories it contains, i felt it that it belongs to me because that makes me who i am. which is just bullshit to keep me in the past and define my future with it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as regret.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret my past decisions and participations and actions based on me judgeing myself that i was able to do it better.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to regretting my past decisions and choices based on the belief that those choices and happenings formed what and who i am here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past experiences and experienced consequences.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to object myself to my past experiences and thus victimize myself within and as the past.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to victimise myself to and as the past experiences i had thus accepting and allowing myself to give my directive power away to sources outside of myself thus not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that i am not directing myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that here exist forces outside of myself that i cannot direct and/or be aware of.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the past based on the belief that it is part of what/who i am here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regret my past event because of fear of loosing myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my personality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide my regret of past experiences BY stateing that those are key events that TAUGHT me an important lesson that MAKES me able to adopt to my enviroment and situations that i can encounter in the future.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be READY for the future experiences i can/might have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that my memories are belonging to me based on the i define my personality based on them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself within the point of regretting my past experience.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take self responsibility for the points i experienced before BUT go into the point of supressing myself and regretting my past.
I forgiver myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to KEEP regretting my past experiences thus KEEP supressing myself within and as the same points therefore KEEP myself in a stupidity loop of not taking self responsibility for myself here.

When and as i go into regretting my decision/participation, i stop and breathe.
I realise that going into regretting the point and victimising myself is only a sign of me as the mind telling "i don't want to do this, please someone care for me and do it for me" thus shifting my responsibility to NOONE.
I commit myself to work on the points that i regret, investigate and open them up and direct myself to a realisation and forgive myself for all the relating points and push myself through to live the points of self correction i make.

when and as i go into supressing myself based on the point of fear, i stop and breathe.
I realise that here i cannot loose anything that is REAL and exists such as myself, only the manifestations and systems of/as the mind, which are apparently only exists because of my acceptance and allowance and participation within and as them.
I commit myself to show that supression and separation is ALWAYS abuse to self and the physical body, thus it cannot be accepted or allowed at all.

when and as i go into belief of something seperate outside of me exists, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i can only experience separation based on my creation and participation wihtin and as ME separating myself from myself.
I commit myself to stop and and all separation within and as myself and show that everything in existance is actually one and equal here.

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