Day 175: Consistency

When i started this walking of the journey to life, i stopped myself from thinking ahead and planning ahead or hoping for the future or even stopped guessing how i will walk it. All i did was to dedicate myself to walking it daily.

Yet while i look back at all these posts it is clearly visible that my writings had not been continuos, indicating the weak point in my process here...and that is consistency.

I mean doing something from dedication is okay, yet i also decided to do this daily no matter what...
this is to reflect this to myself and get this point out here to see and work on, because it's not just about my blog-writing here, but also of my other responsibilities.

and first when i realised my inconsistency i allowed myself to backchat about it as "why do i can't keep my word?" and "what makes it impossible to do such tasks?" and here lies the problem in front of me...myself.
by going through these questions trying to desperately answer them and find the problem to fix it and get on...i missed that what i do IS the problem itself. those are not self-honest questions at all!
the real question is "what and how do i do to block/prevent myself from getting my responsibilities done?"

i use anything i have to justify my actions...because consistency would mean i have to constantly change/direct myself...and from a mind perspective where i used to just hang onto the flow and "enjoy" this is a really hard task and not what i would like to do.

another interesting thing is that such defiency comes up when i don't have to be a slave to something physical, for example school-going or working or something that someone ELSE have organised/planned...thus a kind of seking leadership, and when nothing's around i follow the mind where it goes. this i realised while watching the star wars: clone wars series...where there is no episode without presenting an "order structure/hierarchy".
altough this again is just one end of a polarity because i really liked to manipulate/control other's behaviour and lives...which also just reflects me that i'm not directing myself here.

this must stop here.
i am changeing myself, breath by breath, step by step, and directing myself point by point. it takes a process while the decision is instant.
I am here, I walk this process and not accepting nor allowing any giving up or retreat.