2013-02-09

Day 181: stop looking THERE


(Scanning the Horizon by Donald Smith)
i'm realising more and more how much i do went into participating within and as looking for something "out there", yet this as all points originates from me, so let me take a look.


what i see is that in my child-time here, because of my parent's behaviour i judged them as really busy and they didn't show interest in my talking about what i found or experienced or seen to be as connections and relations between things or even if they do asked and i did talk about it it seemed that it just passes by their ear and i even tested this and it was true, they just didn't listen to a child, because they had their own problems IN MIND lol.

therefore i decided to not "waste" my time and to not bother them with my talking/findings thus shearched for friends to share myself with...and because of the enviroment i was grown up from 6-10years old time, i only had 3 or so friends out from plenty because of nationality issues in school and on the streets, it was like being a white man in an area where only other colored people live, i mean i didn't mind their color or family background, rather their actions as agression hatered and uselessness. so i had to really SELECT who i can trust and share myself to, leading to detailed investigations and looking.

and since then i was doing this same thing with every place i was in, being overly cautius and always looking for rare opportunities, which when found i literally LATCHED ONTO.
later this got into looking for theories and understanding of the world while of course creating my own version from the remixes of any i could find.

and this point is not just when i start to work on solutions ar how to apply myself, but also as a means of distraction, looking more and more to find something "entertaining" and distracting and of course getting tons of results which when followed can lead to great amounts of procastrinations.

a little loophole i also found is that i applied the same method to TRY and find a way out of such activity and distractions, which now i realised is only another distraction and loophole.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to find/gather a solution to what i'm woking on.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself to creeate a solution from the starting point of myself within and as self honesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the answers and solutions LIE(exist) outside of myself seperatedly, and that i must shearch,find,and grab these.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the solutions in shearching/looking for them outside of myself based on FEAR OF SELF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for distractions to distract me because of participating within and as resistance to work on myself as what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting nad allowing myself to distract myself with looking for distractions instead of realising that i am not here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to distract myself based on the lack of self-trust about me being able to be self-honest with myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here within and as self-honesty.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to be self honest about trusting myself wihtin and as self-honesty.

i commit myself to when and as i go into distracting myself from being here or doing my responsibilities, i stop and breathe.
i commit myself to when and as i go into not being honest about myself and my participations i stop and breathe.
I commit myself to walk the porcess of bringing myself back here, breathing and establishing and building up breath by breath, step by step my trust in myself based on self-honesty.

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