Day 187: wore down

so as i look around here, i see many others being tired and down after a day of mostly doing nothing just listening to others and entertaining themselves, and when one gets into real physical hard work, like at the stables, they can sleep 4-6hours more than the usual 8-9h.

and as i looket this point within me, bringint it back to myself, i realised, that i do the same wearing down of myself and at the end of the day, it seems more easy/comfortable to literally FALL into the bed, where of course comes the thought tornadoes. until i PASS out.

also related to this point is that i yawn a lot more when i participate in this point.
yet it all starts in lectures and at times where i "have to" do what i don't care about at all. i mean when the teacher teaches stuff i already know and not just as information but can say it when i'm awoken in the middle of the night. like 1+1=2.

and when this happens - I allow myself to JUDGE the other and the situation AND MYSELF that i shouldn't be there listening to that thing, so i thus go in my mind of illusions and thinking and imaginary worlds...and when a moment comes where i actually didn't know about is shared i just snap back to reality, to "eat" that crumble up then fall back into the sleeping mode...
as i've noticed the more i've participated within this point the more i find myself going into my mind when i should learn new stuff, and get even this dizzy and blurred, actually withdrawing myself from reality, retreating into myself...where all is good and all is well and where I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO.

while i have created the blame/judgement in the first place. because i was not honest to myself about that every moment i'm here is me expressing myself AS life and every moment IS an opportunity and a "chance" to stand here for what is best for all. and when i'm acting from a different starting point i am actually denying myself to live such realisation and to be HERE and breathe and live as myself.

and no matter how hard i don't want to notice this and keep going, i can't anymore...yes i see this is a recurring pattern where i get good standing days and bad fall-in's and i'm also working on to step out of this loop.