2013-03-28

Day 193: Cycles of Doom - part 3 - missing...

another point i realized is that while walking my days i sometimes black-out, meaning that i somehow loose myself in time&space and after a couple of minutes find out that i've been gone for some moments.

this started to happen on classes where i really allow myself to go into boredom, based on the voice-tonality and sloooooooowness and hugely...spaced...speaking...of...the...lecturer(having almost 3-10seconds of pause between the words) and first i judge this presentation as slow and boring, then i allow myself to loose focus and justify my not-listening to him, blaming him, and get deeper and deeper into the point of not being aware of myself or my breathing or my enviroment and usually i fall into my arms of comfort where a nice and calm momentary nap waits :D, then i get back up suddenly realizing that i'm not here at all and it all starts over again.

based on my current posture i "don't want to see this point" resisting to write it out, because when i black-out this way it is sort of a back door for my mind where i allow it to use thoughts-emotions-feelings-justifications to take over me and sabotage myself with escaping reality into the abyss. of course sided with plenty of yawning, this, based on my allowance, is getting bigger and bigger point every day i allow it.

to be solved next time...

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