while working with myself, going through my points and my misses, and the experience i went into while skipping my things and responsibilities i realized a pattern i use which then leads to me not doing a darn thing.
so when i'm finished with my daily things such as school and food and such, i go into a planner mode and try to guess what activity could fit in my time i have available at hand at the moment and what i WANT to accomplish in that time frame.
what i didn't see why doing this many times, that i actually lose myself and stop breathing when doing so, and only be in the mind arranging and rearranging my would-be schedule in the mind of what to do...then i allow myself to get stuck there and go into points of abuse as participating in entertainment to gather energy for the mind.
at the end of that when i'm out of time or entertainment material, i fall back here based on realizing myself breathing again and seeing that i, again, fucked up all the time i had to do my things. and i'm again at the end of the day having nothing done and to not abuse my body further i go to sleep to have my 5-6hour rest. then the next day came, then the next one...and one and one the cycles of doom i allowed
what i also realized is that this comes at two certain sources or instances.
the first one is that i have a schedule of school where i have 1-2hour breaks between classes, and well here not much can be done in such a short time when i also have to eat and stuff within that.
and the second instance is when i have the whole day "at my disposal", where i go into the sense of overwhelmingness and again try to plan ahead and get stuck in the mind again with nothing done.
i'll be working on these points and the ones previously written in the cycles of doom within and as self-forgiveness and corrective statements and application in the following posts to come.