Day 201: Silence

getting aware of myself when speaking...after a lot of talk/chat with my relatives.


Day 205: Cycles of Doom - part11 - the other side

in order to understand myself, and what i do and how i do it and what i have as trigger points, i also have to consider what is it BEING IN IT. i mean i experienced it many times now, still when i did it last time-last couple days-i was aware because i written out some points of it...

so what's it like being indulged in the cycle of doom?
its just like nothing. and i mean literally nothing. because apart from the fact that a week has passed in the calendar nothing remains from the cycle. when i get out of it/reach the turning point/end/beginning, the whol inside of the cycle seems closed off. like it had been just missing one moment. altough i have memories from within it, but it just passed as a moment...sometimes a day others a week even once i had a whole month pass like a second!

and its all my responsibility. i am aware of this.
every moment within being sucked into the cycle i am not standing up and accepting and allowing myself to stay that way. and then physical consequences/slap comes that snaps me out of it...then i have to face my concequences for not being HERE.
its really an experience noone should have.

i had enough! sometimes i just want to run away...others i would just easily give all up to make someone stop it...anyone BUT me. this i can't do more...its no solution at all...yet when i start to take it piece by piece, it's like opening a really stuffed wardrobe...everything just falls onto me and covers me all up. hard to choose what to start with.


Day 204: Cycles of Doom - part 10 - doubt of me

Today, i have been exposed to intense physical work, again, and i will do the same for the next3-4 days too.
physically i am well fit and muscular enough to do the job, that's not a problem at all. still when i look at my day as a whole, i see that many times the point of doubt arose within me.


Day 200: A mile of stones

Here, now, as i started to have my time for writing my blog, this point came up.
i know this is the 200th blog i write, altough NOT the 200th day since i first started this journey to life.


Day 199: Cycles of Doom - part 9 - fight or flight or both

as i have previously already started, i'm here looking into the point of falling out of reality, when in certain conditions. today i was able to stand and investigate this point -in the making - so to say, because i was placing myself into the same circumstances and listen to my body without going into justifications and judgements or thinking about it, so here i am writing down these findings in order to work on them as myself.

first not is that this whole point is linked to the person giving the lecture, meaning that it is connected to the specific people meaning i react to THAT person in my enviroment, with wanting to not listen to him and backing out of rality FROM him-which is essentially a sign of FEAR of/from that person.

trough this fear, that i allow myself to go into without any consideration of the other, i start to either go into hate, for example talk badly, verbally bully the other, or go into evasion, not looking at him, not hearing what he says then blanking out completely into a nap.
both of these are also while suppressing my fear, almost instantly. this is not a real polarity because there happened where i did both at the same time.


Day 198: Cycles of Doom - part 8 - back door

Previously i realized this point where based on certain circumstances i accept and allow myself to fall out of reality, sometimes even become unconscious, and let the mind take over completely.


Day 197:Cycles of Doom - part 7 - commit instead of plan

in the previous two posts in Day 195 and Day 196, i have been discussing and forgiving the points on planning and my attitude towards the future. HERE i do my commitment statements to prepare myself for success and set up directive principles within and as my self-direction, to such occurrences of point to be able to stand the test of time.


Day 196: Cycles of doom - part 6 - wiping the table clean

in the previous post HERE, i have started doing my Self-Forgiveness on the point of planning within this cyclic dooming myself to fail point. so here are the rest of it:


Day 195: Cycles of Doom - part 5 - where all plan fails

As i have been going through my posts i have found that i've been tackled this point before, yet i did not do any self-forgiveness or self-corrective statements on these points, so again, another evidence that without utilizing these tools i cannot change myself, only delay the evident...
here in this post, it's clear i saw a snippet of this point, so let me continue and do my forgiveness on it too this time!