Day 198: Cycles of Doom - part 8 - back door

Previously i realized this point where based on certain circumstances i accept and allow myself to fall out of reality, sometimes even become unconscious, and let the mind take over completely.

further looking at this point revealed that it's NOT laziness in any way or form, it is more like that i see an opportunity to black out within and as my mind, i generate reasons and validations-with which i justify my lack of awareness, then based on that i just loose it completely, only to kind of wake up some moments later that i have been "out" and then to see that the "reasons" still exist and again go into justifying my attitude and behavior of escaping reality, and i do it again, until the trigger point is over.

this is not always a total blackout, sometimes it's just wondering away into my thoughts and thinking, others i go into shitchatting around, other times i go into a recreational activity such as drawing or crosswords or anything that involves concentration to NOT what i "should" to.

so it is clear that this is a form or resistance towards a point, which is currently unknown to me yet trough the forgiveness i am on my way to discover my trigger points and causes to it.

next time...