Day 199: Cycles of Doom - part 9 - fight or flight or both

as i have previously already started, i'm here looking into the point of falling out of reality, when in certain conditions. today i was able to stand and investigate this point -in the making - so to say, because i was placing myself into the same circumstances and listen to my body without going into justifications and judgements or thinking about it, so here i am writing down these findings in order to work on them as myself.

first not is that this whole point is linked to the person giving the lecture, meaning that it is connected to the specific people meaning i react to THAT person in my enviroment, with wanting to not listen to him and backing out of rality FROM him-which is essentially a sign of FEAR of/from that person.

trough this fear, that i allow myself to go into without any consideration of the other, i start to either go into hate, for example talk badly, verbally bully the other, or go into evasion, not looking at him, not hearing what he says then blanking out completely into a nap.
both of these are also while suppressing my fear, almost instantly. this is not a real polarity because there happened where i did both at the same time.