Day 205: Cycles of Doom - part11 - the other side

in order to understand myself, and what i do and how i do it and what i have as trigger points, i also have to consider what is it BEING IN IT. i mean i experienced it many times now, still when i did it last time-last couple days-i was aware because i written out some points of it...

so what's it like being indulged in the cycle of doom?
its just like nothing. and i mean literally nothing. because apart from the fact that a week has passed in the calendar nothing remains from the cycle. when i get out of it/reach the turning point/end/beginning, the whol inside of the cycle seems closed off. like it had been just missing one moment. altough i have memories from within it, but it just passed as a moment...sometimes a day others a week even once i had a whole month pass like a second!

and its all my responsibility. i am aware of this.
every moment within being sucked into the cycle i am not standing up and accepting and allowing myself to stay that way. and then physical consequences/slap comes that snaps me out of it...then i have to face my concequences for not being HERE.
its really an experience noone should have.

i had enough! sometimes i just want to run away...others i would just easily give all up to make someone stop it...anyone BUT me. this i can't do more...its no solution at all...yet when i start to take it piece by piece, it's like opening a really stuffed wardrobe...everything just falls onto me and covers me all up. hard to choose what to start with.