2013-05-15

Day 208: where am i?

Although i repositioned myself back here, it does seem like is slide along a path of descent. the key point in this is that this is an EXPERIENCE, and not a physical thing, thus i create this experience of me sliding off-track, with the many things i have do attend to, so time to stop it here. i'm not worrying about the COD series, nor my way many days missing, because worry is just another mindfuck of it's own, so here i stand, again, regarding creating an experience from my failures.



i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my past/actions and try to watch it as something outside of myself in order to be able to gain an objective view of the situation to be able to summarize and analize myself and the past, only to screw myself over again by allowing myself to be directed by statistics and analized data, instead of taking the necessary steps to direct myself here, as life, standing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and dishonesty and shame because i am not yet fully walking my process with all my resources available yet still i'm not completing other tasks as well but only hanging in between my tasks.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to FEEL bad and unsafe when i don't see where i am heading with the applications i do in the present, meaning that by looking at my past and present i cannot see my future.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to have a future-in-mind in order to feel safe in my present-enviroment/activity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust/place my trust in the false hope of safety, which is a worrying about the future that it can cause harm to me, thus supressing my hopes, fears, and worryies.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to RUN AWAY from both the future speculations and the analizing of the past into procrastrination of games/films, and only do so from this starting point.

I commit myself to when and as i go into projecting myself into the future, i stop and breathe, and bring myself back here and direct myself and the situtation here as required to complete the tasks at hand.

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