long time no writing. this i have talked a lot inside myself, had many thoughts and feelings about it, thus is had many things to write about, still i didn't write it here.
I completed my stating that i stand for 21days without computers and i stood still in the midst of a shack house with 8-10 hours of physical work/day every day.
still this is not about that.
then after two weeks later, i WALKED physically a journey up a mountain to get my paperwork done, which was a journey of a kind, where i realized myself and breathed and walked as myself here. and it showed me what i am and where am i in my journey to life.
after 200 days i skipped almost 60...and i have only 21 day without computers where on each day i have handwritten my posts.
yet i allowed myself to fall based on the point of unawareness and not being clear with myself.
and since then i did not allow myself to completely stand up again and recover myself and walk again here in text format which will remain as long as the servers last.
interestingly the physical walking and the text/writing walking can be separated, yet in separation is the demon of myself where i separate myself FROM MYSELF which is 100% dishonesty with/to myself.
another "sign" i created to myself as a flag that i saw a "JTL" numbered license plate on a car where i sat.
thus here i am again shaking off the dust and blood and black dishonesty and working through the whole thing again. because i am not allowing myself to stop based on pity and whining and lazyness and all the other things i throw at me just to not do it...THIS ENDS HERE!