they are also supportive, and in a different area where i lacked before, still i CANNOT allow myself to stop writing or self-forgiving because "i do other ways now".
i tried to think about this thing and broke out in laughter that i even tried to put it together from the mind's perspective, what i hide with my mind as me.lol. of course it didnt work out, because it's nearly impossible from that starting point.
HERE, breathing i can clearly see when i'm self honest to myselff that i have been not doing these things based on justifications and wanting to do other things i took up. stil it does not justify it.
So here i'm again, writing my blog before midnight about my realisations.
Today was the days of the "DECIDE ALREADY" point, where i put myself into situations (unaware) where i had to decide about what i do HERE, and have no time to think about the consequences.
the end result became after quite a struggle that i ended my thought-fight and said to myself "IT DOESN'T MATTER" and so i did all i planned/decided to do and STILL made all the task required and got to my class in time. where again this point came up, where i went and walked OFF from the classroom after an hour of worthless film-watching about something i already knew. after a 10minute long fight with myself about leaving or not.
so the point is, fighting and thinking about what to do and when and how to do is only:
- wasting real time
- generating mind-energy
- putting my body to unrest->higher physical energy consumption
- letting myself get lost in the mind instead of breathing here.