Day 215: I'm sick of this ...

not just of it, but also because of it. and this "it" is me.
I do and don't do things, i am committed myself to do, and i speak and stay quiet about things i committed to speak/write.
so what is this all made of then? i mean i do the "good" things and the "bad" things to myself at not really an equal measure, thus making my scale turn towards one side...the one that is killing me.
But the one doing it is me.
thus to stop myself from killing me for nothing, i have to stop doing the things that get me there, out of standing up for myself as life, because i am worth life only if i stand up and accept nothing else than life within and as myself.

i could be shearching the reasons and justifications of why i stopped my processing, and writing and went back to some old habits, yet first i have to stop them.
how to stop myself? that's something i as the mind as the abuser don't want to get to know. because then it's just over.

cutting the source is my best option to make this work.
i mean making decisions that keep me alive in my dire situation against my process is fine, because first i have to be able to eat,drink,breathe then i can work on me.
i see i missed tons of opportunity, wasted not only mine but other's time and money too, and i can't turn it back, so i am making up for it by doing it here as i can.