Day 217: P(icture) o(f) r(idiculus) n(onsense)

yeah you read it right, this is about the images and moving pictures about reproduction.

so let me start at the beginning where i started to employ my mind with these kinds of activities that also stimulative although here i found out that it's only making my situation worse.

as i was in my teenage years as i have already written about, i started to want some different kind of entertainment for myself, and i found out by seemingly an accident how to make myself enjoy.

yet my relation with such images are came to me far later when i had PRIVATE access to the internet.

the first time, i mean i always knew that such sites are existing on the web, but i didn't know any specific addresses, so i didn't get to them. although as with everything i picked this one up at school as everything else. i overheard conversations, and seen some browsing while in informatics class. thus when i got home, i also wanted to see it for myself, and how it "works"

...other part lost in the cloud of me...

Day 218: Writers block?

How hard can i make myself cry for my own help?
How hard can i make myself want to give up?
How much do i allow myself to stop caring?
How can i allow this?

tried to make reasons that made me stop...could not find any, because here is none.

i am eating myself up from the inside without teeth, all the time, but it doesn't hurt so i dont listen to it
does it NEED TO HURT for me to SEE???

asking these questions...pops up a pretty common one: AM I INSANE?
lol the fun in it is that i know the answer to it.

this is not about the past 6motnh where i didn't do what i destined myself to do, i stood, i fell, just as before, yet i also showed myself that i dont allow myself to be as strong as i BELIEVE myself to be.
i fell back to overestimating myself, back to the comfy ego position...and what did i do about it?...look the other way!

it was a slow process that led here, i participated in actions i did not want to allow, and it spiralled to this point where i almost fell to the start while wasting myself and others.
yet: "can't choose where i came from, but can choose where i go from HERE"
therefore all in all, it's here i am starting to keep myself, again, yet it takes time, again, and a bit more effort than previously, because i made it harder. i can make it easy yet i would feel that i need punishment for my self abuse-like the effect of the abuse wouldn't be enough-but this is NOT CORRECT.
so stopping the feelings emotions thoughts...getting myself back here, breathing, this is my job, and i better get to it.