Day 241: Reflected trust

Today i came to a realization of myself about trust.
and i'm not just talking about trust of others, but the trust of myself too.

one of my teachers today as i was asking them about my submitted paper which he had to grade, that what is the result of it, i got an answer that although he didn't yet graded it, he glanced across and it will be fine.
this high amount of trusting me that i know and written my paper correctly surprised me. of course i'm not going to argue with it and accept it, yet i didn't account for such a thing to happen.
the reason i could not see this action of his was because i did not stand or even recall my whole semester of going and being on his classes having conversations with him. it was "something in the past". and when writing the paper or even asking about the result i only had that one piece of paper of evidence in mind. i was soo focused on it, that i intentionally forget about all i did up to that point.


Day 240: Reasonable debate

I am fighting myself on a daily basis...over plenty things with my thoughts feelings, and expressing or mostly, suppressing them. and being entangled in this many things that i perceive happening outside of my action-reaction chain, is also modifying my experience of living...and i make more thoughts and feelings about these too and frustrate the heck out of myself till the end of the "day" to only fall asleep crying amute without tears, just inside me, about how humanity could come to this point of depth of being so ignorant of itself. and then shut off till morning where it all starts again.


Day 239: Responsibility of others?

Today's lesson is to slow down...well that's almost every day's lesson, so in a more detailed picture, to slow down with assisting other people or trying to take their responsibility for myself.
this is kind of linked to the concept of ownership, meaning that i acquire and own certain rights and responsibilities, like i ingrained it in the law/system.


Day 238: Irrelevance of Significance of Decicive Time

ever since i began investigating myself and the world and beings around me, the concept of time and importance got smudged by the reality of diversity and complexity everywhere i looked.

I mean obviously i understood time as we humans measure it, as something that is a rigid solid one-way scale that organize and determine our lives...or so i thought. As every other kid growing up in such a society, i also cloned - adapted this concept from others, to bind my life, and bodily cycles to the daylight, then to the clock, the man-made machine measuring the passage of time...


Day 237: harming ME

hurting myself, i'm used to that.
i started to do it because i learned it when i was a kid. i saw that my parents when they got angry started wrecking things and hurting themselves and each other when they fought so i interpreted this as normal, although i didn't like when they fought, after a while i had to accept it. i saw how they have built a giant wall against one another and the air were mostly cold and silent when they were in the same room.


Day 236: NO MORE

As i was strangling today throught my night dreaming about flying in an airplane, and doing what i did for more than a 1000 hours (in a game) i realized something that i have been keeping hidden from myself for long.


Day 235: Controlling the uncontrollable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to control ever outcome that will effect my future life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can control every part and aspect of my enviroment therefore i am in control

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to freak myself into being a control freak, while openly denying it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give all my directive power to the point of wanting to be in control, based on the fear of the future

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of the future and it's possible consequences.

When and as i go into fearing the future and what it MAY come for me to face, i stop and breathe.
I realise that by looking constantly ahead to the future i am keeping myself busy with something that is non existent and thus sabotageing myself HERE, and effecting the very decisions i am afraid of giving me consequences.

When and as i go into giving off my directive power to the point of desire to be in control, i stop and breathe. I realise that being in control is only an illusion of the mind because it is based on seperation of myself from myself and controlling that seperated part of myself outside of myself, which is obviously impossible. I commit myself to bring back to myself the parts i seperated myself from, by allowing and accepting the want&desire of control to take over me.


Day 234: Ending the cycle of reaction

i have been struggling with the point to understand self-motivation, thus this manifested in the form of not doing anything at all that would walk me towards my journey to life. (the lack of posts show this also), and i have also allowed this to become a pattern within my yearly life, and thus being polaric in nature.


Day 233: Habit of stopping Pt.2

here are the commitments to the points i've forgiven to myself:

when and as i go into self-sabotage to be able to enjoy life, i stop and breathe, i realize that enjoyment has nothing to do with the things I DO, but i can be actually joy itself, thus i can with supporting and assisting myself enjoy myself here, without the need to divert and seperate myself from enjoyment.

When and as i go into defining myself as enjoying life, i stop and breathe. i realize that this is only me seperating myself from myself which is abuse in itself and leads to more and more separations and abuse of myself

when and as i go into defining myself and LIFE as the energy the mind as a system lives off of, i stop and breathe. I realize that i am one and equal with the mind and life and energy, and defining myself as only part of myself is separation and abuse.

when and as i go into judgeing myself doing BAD/wrong things as self sabotage, OR doing GOOD/right thing as self-support, I STOP AND BREATHE. I realize that judging myself about what i do is a feedback mechanism that i only emlpoy in order to keep myself busy and participating in the system of abuse i create.

when and as i go into judging myself about what i do, i stop and breathe. I realize that my actions do come with consequences of their own regardless of what i think judge about them, yet participating within the judgement itself creates consequence which will end up as self abuse.

when and as i go into fearing future consequences, i stop and breathe. I realize that creating and participating in fear of the future is only diverting my awareness of actually dealing and solving my problems and to stop me from being here aware in order to create and become the solution to that consequence i have created.

Day 232: untrustable part 2

 to finish up this point i written self commitment statements...
original post: HERE

when and as i go into judging certain specific future moments, i stop and breathe.I realize that future moments does not exist HERE, therefore any action regarding them are only sabotaging myself to lure my awareness from HERE.

When and as i go into worrying about my future, i stop and breathe. I realize that worrying is only a consequence and continuos action of participation within and as fear, to make myself believe that the fears are real, which they are not.

When and as i go into wanting and desiring to prepare myself to the future, i stop and breathe. I realize that any attempt of preparations based on a non-existent theory of reality is only creating consequences which creates more abuse to myself and others.

When and as i go into wanting to achieve a perfect outcome of events, i stop and breathe. I realize that perfect is only a certain specific conditions that I set up the has nothing to do with what is supportive for me or others.

when and as i go into justifying my thoughts and fears myself based on my fears @ thoughts i stop and breathe. I realize that fears @ thoughts are not real, thus following them and using them as justification to create even more of them is just plain abuse to myself and creating moments when i am not here aware.


Day 231: Habit of stopping Pt.1

I used to stop myself from doing supportive things towards me or even others, because of many justifications and made up reasons, yet not even a single one of those were actually true, yet i have stopped my actions based on them.

it essentially became a habit of self-sabotage, and the only way out of it is forgiving myself, correcting myself and moving on, and only stopping the self-sabotage of myself.


Day 230: untrustable?

at some stressful situations, like exams i tend to pick memories where i was not getting ready for what is about to come, and sue those memories to self-sabotage, and swallow myself in fear and doubt and judgements...so here is the solution...


Day 229: Interior fight

In the previous weeks i have been fighting with and over myself doing plenty of things that made my situation worse, yet i have decided at last to stop abusing myself and continue with walking my process.


Day 228: Looking Directly

I have been here in my body for 9055 days, 8326 which i spent learning then applying abuse to myself and the world around me, and 730 days from the point i first started my process and just 666 days since i wrote my first blog post regarding my process.
from the fact that this is only my 228th entry (not regarding my previous TRY's at it) shows it clear that i had periods where i missed the days of writing a day, based on either justifications or other mindshit i put myself up to.


Day 227: Just Rollin'

This couple of days shown me an interesting thing.

I was avare that changes will be made in my enviroment, thus is prepared myself to not react to any changes and accomodate to them as necessary without "giving up" on myself of doing whats best for all.


Day 226: Raising my head up

So in the previous post i wrote down what i could find about sadness and how i created this point within me, here comes the self-forgiveness for them:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the feeling of sadness to exist within and as me, thus creating it also outside of me onto others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to validate the existance of the feeling of sadness with thoughts, fears, emotions and associations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect and interconnect the feeling of sadness with words, thoughts, fears, and emotions, and hold onto these connections as relationships that i use to define "MY reality" and to define who and what i am.
 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the word "sad" and "sadness" as a trigger point to activate and feed other mind constructs and points.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate and connect the feeling of sadness with the character of depression, and use it to validate my actions and stay within that character.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use and utilize fears of loss, being hurt, noise, crowds, suffocation, lack of love, sharing my problems, death, being ridiculed, dissipating/disappearing to trigger and feed the feeling/emotion of sadness, and validate the existance of these fears.

to be continued 


Day 225: sadness, you say? THIS IS MINDLAND!

another dimension of the previously mentioned depression character is the sadness of it.
so here i examine myself about sadness-short yet i write it down to have a reference and be able to buld up my Self-forgiveness and corrections from this.

what is sadness?
...a feeling.


Day 224: (de)Pressing personality Pt.1

Ever felt that whatever you do is only hurting others? ever been just wandering around not knowing what to do? ever spent hours in a place only drowning in your own self-pity? ever felt you are not worth to live?


Day 223: Conflicting Personality Complex

or for short i name it C.P.C.
i just made up a new illness, more precisely a mind sickness to describe and define my current state of being. interesting that i was taught that doctors have identified and defined a lot of illness and given it various names and abbrevations-because those made-up names become too long in Latin language, and i have to use then to be understood. no, i don't have to. furthermore i also can create a new phrase to define something, even if it has been defined by others with different words. it's not about the name of the state but the actual status and accumulated consequence of it. so i name however i want it to.


Day 222: Overdue - Overdone

I've seen this point across my lifetime here that i developed a habit of overdoing my things.
First it seemed like the only way to finish something. Then i told myself it's good that i effectively achieving something, later again i bloated my ego with it, calling myself precise and tedious.


Day 221: Saying my word

As i lived my life i have been, many times, just stepping back into the background-kinda fading away from a scene i did not like, or didn't want to exist in, yet in that moment i did not go away physically.


Day 220: The importance of review

Today i got myself more than 2 times into a situation where i had to make a decision that determined my "future" to say, for a couple hours after the decision at least.

Day 219: Sober Sundays

looking back at my days of failing and succeeding, it seems that i tend to come out of my self-pity on sundays, which is interesting and also not.