2014-01-21

Day 221: Saying my word

As i lived my life i have been, many times, just stepping back into the background-kinda fading away from a scene i did not like, or didn't want to exist in, yet in that moment i did not go away physically.



Many of these moments were about seeing what one says and realizing that it's either bullshit or he/she going to end up worse because of seeing that way. Or i wanted to point out the missing point in the other's thought and views, yet i stopped myself from doing it because of...of course...fear.

Yesterday, i've seen an action which was only done really sloppy, and i presented this to the writer of the article, and of course he came onto me in the comments section with hells blazing-"how do i dare stating why they don't already made it, and we have tight schedules and stuff" which is hilarious in itself, yet this is about me, not the others. i've seen in what he wrote how I used to react to someone seemingly "offending" my current state of being, and i did come blasting off doors shouting, or many times i just WANTED TO, and did it in my head, but in reality HERE, i did not do a single thing.
I kept my mouth shut because of the fear of getting hurt physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my point of view based on my ego and fear of being incorrect and valid
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being incorrect, based on the association of it meaning that i am not valid, therefore doesn't exist.
I forgive myself that i have acc3epted and allowed myself to fear non-existance sourcing from me being incorrect.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to base my actions in the moment on my EGO
I realize that facts and reality does not require defending, because it is the same for every being
I realize that i can only defend oppinions,ideas,thought,feeling,emotions, and i want to defend them because they DO NOT EXIST, so by defending their existance i justify the reason i am creating and keeping these inside myself, and in existance.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the points i am defending

I commint myself to when and as i go into defending and justifying something that is not real, to stop and breathe, bring myself back here, and investigate and show to myself as well as others, reality and the invalidity of the oppinions,thoughts,feelings,emotions,ideas i created within me.

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