2014-01-30

Day 223: Conflicting Personality Complex

or for short i name it C.P.C.
i just made up a new illness, more precisely a mind sickness to describe and define my current state of being. interesting that i was taught that doctors have identified and defined a lot of illness and given it various names and abbrevations-because those made-up names become too long in Latin language, and i have to use then to be understood. no, i don't have to. furthermore i also can create a new phrase to define something, even if it has been defined by others with different words. it's not about the name of the state but the actual status and accumulated consequence of it. so i name however i want it to.



More to the actual point i'm writing out here, is my state-existing, and what i realized of and by it.

As i walked on the earth, living years and years, gathering experiences of events and seeing and storing tons of events, just as every child currently, i created personalities which ensure my survival in different enviroments or triggered by people or situations.
And of course i use the best fitting personality for every moment that is necessary, and from the most used ones i forged my own uniqueness and my "self-personality" which i call the "original me". which is of course a huge lie, because first:it's not stable-it is being changed by every new personality or event and second: there is no changing BACK to the main personality, because altough it is "bigger" yet it is equally NON-EXISTENT a.k.a. not real, with all the other personalities i keep in my mind.

the first time i realized i am doing this, i swept it all under the rug and stated, "i killed all my personas thus i am myself at last". :) what an idillic picture that is, yet of course it was a lie.
the next time i've seen it, i chose SOME personas and really THINK THROUGH them and throw them out for sure-for example the "be nice with superiors" or "jerk when in a totally winning situation" of course these are just disclaimer names for them to be understood in the context.

here i take this point up again, because i see that for the second time i created the "processwalker" persona and i stopped "using" it. interesting that when i investigated it turned out that this was the reason for it, because i could not stand walking process AS a persona-a limited mindset of actions and reactions- and was not able to walk at all it.
so of course the immediate answer of myself stopping using the walker persona is TO CHANGE TO ANOTHER ONE. or multiple ones actually. and it all started again from the beginning.

yet here were moments, days, hours when i was just totally fed up and tired of using personas at all, and at these moments i have first just stalled - meaning layed down and could not move myself just breathe into the abyss of myself and the empty mind like a shock state of "hey what am i supposed to do now without any personalities???" then after this shockwave i got up and actually walked my process of writing, listening to interviews and such. then after a while it the mind striked back and i let it regain power over me and dived into my bullshits and selfabuse and everything.

mainly this is the reason i fallen WAY behind with blogging, vlogging, reshearch, my assigments ect.
so where's the conflict i say? between my "old" personalities and the "processwalker" personality, these are just cant stay in the same mind. mine of course.
what's the solution? mopping up both and exploring what and who am i without them. not just supressing them, not reforming them, not killing them, but actually SOLVING all the issues, taking up the point that led to the creation of them and writing forgiveness and stopping myself forrealz.

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