Day 224: (de)Pressing personality Pt.1

Ever felt that whatever you do is only hurting others? ever been just wandering around not knowing what to do? ever spent hours in a place only drowning in your own self-pity? ever felt you are not worth to live?

I have. not too many times, but i have. many self claimed "professionals" in mistic psychics and stuff say and even doctors nowadays that everyone has a rythm, a biological frequency which is low and it has ups and downs, and many kinds of frequencies that show one's emotional and physical beingness.
i mean you have the high parts where you feel good and enjoy everything and succeed, then comes the worse parts and times where everything is grey and you are depressed and disoriented and all the like.

i see now that this is not ALL of what is HERE.

I mean of course THE MIND does work in such bipolar changing fashion, because the two endpoint of a polarity and the traveling between them generates tons of friction and thus ENERGY for the mind extracted from the body. so it's a win for the mind, of course it wants to do it.
although reality is, that it's only real when i make it so. when i believe and reason and validate the existence of it, more so, see it as a normal thing (biorythm for example) then I CREATE all of it.

While the moment i stop and realize and not participate within them, these points are diminish, yet while yoyo-ing in the system it has dire consequences TO THE BODY, which i cannot eliminate with a simple stop, because the body has to correct itself, re-align to the balanced state.

lately i have allowed myself to use the depressive personality that i created from movies and songs and the observation of fellow humans around, and hung on it a lot. i mean i made myself feel low feel depressed, down, blue, that i can't have a future, that i will not succeed.
but here in my sane moments, i could not see them when i breathed, and interestingly i started to FEAR loosing the personality of depression. because i used it to DEFEND myself from other fears! lol
it was like loosing a shield i repel the bad thoughts with, because all is well when i'm in a fetal position in the darkest place and i'm alone and don't have to make any decision at all.

how did i create this personality? when i was a child, i really didn't have a warm family home, meaning the only care i got was about my physical condition, my school grades, aaaaaaaaand that's it.
i cannot find a moment where my parents talked with me about what and who i am and what i see around me. i just got handed down to what they see and how they think the world IS. i mean i am not blaming them here, they acted like this because of their own problems, they just expressed that they have a hard time dealing with the world AND themselves and each other.
and for many many years i actually became this point-having hard time with myself, the world, and others around me-the only thing that i could snap myself out of this point is bloating a HUGE EGO, which stood above all this nonsense and could supress this personality/point...