2014-02-15

Day 228: Looking Directly

I have been here in my body for 9055 days, 8326 which i spent learning then applying abuse to myself and the world around me, and 730 days from the point i first started my process and just 666 days since i wrote my first blog post regarding my process.
from the fact that this is only my 228th entry (not regarding my previous TRY's at it) shows it clear that i had periods where i missed the days of writing a day, based on either justifications or other mindshit i put myself up to.



When i look at these facts, or the picture of it as a timeline in my mind, it not just scares me, but also sometimes i reacted to this fact with anger disgust and blame of course.
I only didn't do one thing regarding it... accept and realize it...
I mean when i am brutally self-honest i never really fully accepted myself as who and what i am and have become, i listened to bernard's vids where he provides support more than once, and when hearing it it all makes sense, but when i got to applying it and doing what he was talking about, i blockaded myself, or hide.
Can i even comprehend ALL the things i've done in those 9000+ days? i mean if i count an average breath(in-out) as 6 seconds it counts up to ~130 392 000 breaths or moments...and that is counting with every new i take. of course me as the mind tell myself i cannot comprehend that. of course it's a lie. I am every moment that i have existed, it's in my physical body, in every cell in every new moment...i am what i am, and i am here to understand myself and direct myself.

so here is the self-support:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress and block myself from looking into myself and the point of accepting myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to look at my actions and the consequences i created with them
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my inaction of working on myself and my points with my wants to not work on them
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear solving the point of self-acceptance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that accepting my past actions, as myself will cause me to remain the same, while in fact by thinking this i actually cause what i fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not changing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear change of myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to run between the two endpoint of the polarity of fearing change and no-change, and to not realize that all i do is react to my fears.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see understand and realize that i am actually generating the fears of change and no-change from the fear of the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my future based on that i cannot decide in advance about anything.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to decide in advance about things, based on the assumption that then i can relax and not have to face the point when the time comes.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself and my point exactly when those point come up.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to my previous process and use my knowledge of previous points i realized to generate fears of having much more points and systems that i will have to work on, thus projecting myself to the future and already dooming myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think i am doomed to fail in the future
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my future is already in place based on my past actions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to JUMP ahead in time to the conclusion and consequence of my current actions BEFORE i would actually do anything, thus keeping myself in shock of a never existing future, without doing anything physically.

I commit myself to when and as i go into projecting myself to the future and imagining what will happen, i stop and breathe, and move myself physically after considering my task at hand and what needs to be done HERE.
I realize that the past and the future is NEVER HERE, thus it is not determined and i cannot AT ALL see or know what will happen, therefore anything that is not here cannot be trusted and cannot be taken into account.
I commit myself to when and as i go into fear of facing myself and my points that come up, i stop and breathe, and move myself to investigate and work out the point and walk my self-support.
I commit myself to when and as i go into justifying my in-actions with thoughts,fears,wants,desires, i stop and breathe, and move myself.
I commit myself to when and as i get lost in my mind as in thoughts feelings emotions wants desires fantasies, i stop, bring myself back here with aware breathing, let go.

I commit myself to stand here, and to assist and support myself, in every moment, and stand up and face all the points i see, to understand and realize myself as what and who I am here.

I commit myself to walk my journey to see understand realize and ACCEPT myself and who and what i am HERE.

I commit myself to let go of my relationship to my past present and future that i have created and instead, exist, breathe, and BE HERE.

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