Day 234: Ending the cycle of reaction

i have been struggling with the point to understand self-motivation, thus this manifested in the form of not doing anything at all that would walk me towards my journey to life. (the lack of posts show this also), and i have also allowed this to become a pattern within my yearly life, and thus being polaric in nature.

So on one end of the polarity i have the working bee, the steaming train, the rolling truck, the steadfast learner, the enormus educator, while on the other end i made myself cut my tasks, become less organised, go with the flow, carlessness and other stuff.
When investigating this point of polarity through the years, i found out that it is caused based on my "motivation" or lack thereof, because i have not been AT ALL motivating myself to do anything.

I only had been a reactive machine with a bit different settings than before.
when i had stress and massive amounts of stuff and chores and learning to do, i made it, in the summer i had less stuff to do so i even stopped those that i would had to do all day, any day of the year...and took up more "relaxing" activities like watching more movies and enjoying some games and speaking with others about basically nothing important at all...and mostly listening to what is going around me.

and looking further back on my lifeline i see that this has been going for almost my entire life since 6th grade or so...going with the flow during school months and stepping out of the river and just sitting on the side watching listening on the summerbreak months. And this only shows one thing that i share with many many other people in the world:
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SHOWN HOW TO BE SELF -motivated, -moved, -inspired, -directed!
and on a side note this is one of the points that amazed me about animals and plant-life, they are always doing that, and i've never understood it or really applied it myself.

and also because i never had an animal in my life in this period i had NO ONE to learn this from, no wonder i am only now realizing this.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realize that i am only reacting to the events and other's reactions around me and thus really rarely decide something only based on myself as self direction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself the opportunities to see and learn self-direction from myself, in order to apply it and live it as myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to base my direction, motivation, inspiration on events and beings and my reaction to them created as stress and force in order to do it "for me" in a sense that i don't have to take responsibility for anything, thus allowing myself to blame something/someone outside of myself, and again create reactions based on these and create an interwoven relationships that only end in adbicating my self resposibility of doing it myself, directing myself, moving myself, inspiring myself and motivate myself here as life.

i am expanding this point in the posts to come...