Day 236: NO MORE

As i was strangling today throught my night dreaming about flying in an airplane, and doing what i did for more than a 1000 hours (in a game) i realized something that i have been keeping hidden from myself for long.

I have been battling myself for a looong long time, and all i did was try something out, to see if it's me, if it's my expression, if i enjoy it just because i resonate with it myself as a being, and while doing this my "other side" would challenge this view and criticize and watch for the problems and shove it all in my face until the point that i break myself, and allow the mass off suppression to take over and i "let go" of that desire to be fulfilled and also create a massive resistance toward that thing, based on the judgement that i can't and shouldn't do that because i agreed that it's bad for me and not supportive of me and it makes me angry and rageful and hateful, while the fact that i masked from myself is that I created these points of regret, hate, violence, suppression, anger and all the others JUST to stop myself from doing that thing i "resonate with".

and so i did. i ragequitted, making tons of different justifications and "reasons" why and how is it that i won't get anywhere near that activity again...and i lived on so to say, the problem is that i am still burdened by all of the abuse created inside me and suppressed inside me, and i just carry them and essentially torture myself from within.

Since then, i took up other activities and walked the same pattern of rise-criticize-rage-fall, with at least 3 more different topics, and with it, i also risen and fallen in terms of an emotional sea, ranging from the "i'm okay" to the "i just wanna die".
And all this without realizing what i am doing with myself and that it's me who is doing all this.

While looking at this past 1.5 years i see lots and lots of these points that i am about to open and work on, almost to the point where i would utilize the overwhelming of the mind, yet NOT THIS TIME,
i run NO MORE. i cannot run from something i carry with myself, it's time to stop running for the carrot on the stick also - so no more chasing what i create as a "promise land". i stay here and work with what is here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide the abuse of myself from myself, based on shame and regret, while not realizing that i am creating a point of abuse within and as myself that feeds the same activity of breaking myself from within.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to break myself in terms of being able to see understand and realize what i am doing with myself and others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize that i am constantly abusing myself in order to halt and stop my process of walking to be and become life as one and equal with and as myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself based on justifications and made up reasons that i created so strong and so true-like that i give up trying to find points that makes clear that these justifications and reasons are only based off of self-abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self-abuse of myself based on fear of breaking while watching and realizing what i am doing with myself

...more to come, i have lots to digest...