Day 237: harming ME

hurting myself, i'm used to that.
i started to do it because i learned it when i was a kid. i saw that my parents when they got angry started wrecking things and hurting themselves and each other when they fought so i interpreted this as normal, although i didn't like when they fought, after a while i had to accept it. i saw how they have built a giant wall against one another and the air were mostly cold and silent when they were in the same room.

i had a lot of things to be frustrated about, i had only 1 friend, i have been misunderstood by my teachers and classmates whom i spent most of my time with, i declared myself as an outsider based on that i was way further in understanding and development than those around me, so this gave me even more reason to separate myself from them.
and in the meantime i really, really wanted to have friends, to be understood, to be accepted, to at least have someone to be able to share myself with who is alike and on the same level of understanding as i am.
of course i didn't find a group per say that fit this image or dream of my mind thus i got angry at myself for not finding one, or founding one.
after i discovered computer games and saw that i can sort of unleash my aggression in thinking of killing beings while i only changed pixels on the monitor, and all the fight was actually going on in my mind.
and when the game didn't reflect my wants and desires because i missed something or that computer bettered me this anger and frustration burst out in the form of a physical action like slapping my hand on the table and yelling.
back then i didn't even saw what i did. even i could not see this for years and years, i did it for soo long and made it soo normal that i didn't see it as a form of self harm.
while it is just that. harming my own physical body based on non-existent thoughts feelings and emotions which i allow myself to take over, control me and justify hurting myself with this. because i don't even want to take full responsibility for my thoughts feelings and emotions i created triggered and maintained inside me.
and this is not just with gaming. i also transposed this to normal daily frustrations and disagreements within myself, and i hurt my own physical body, making wounds and marks on myself with my fingernails, or with forcing my body to get into a state that is not just uncomfortable but destroying my own health like being overweight.

all these conditions because i don't want to accept who and what i am. and i didn't even notice this.
nowadays i started to fall to the other side of the horse...blaming myself for harming myself and creating even more friction and tension within myself...only to keep this vicious system rolling...
i see the only way to stop is to let it go, in the meaning of forgiving and deciding from my own will, that i stop this cycle. and of course this does not JUST mean that i stop myself when i try to hurt myself, i decided to realize the thoughts that lead to self harm, and stop myself there...this however is not an easy task. because i made it so ingrained into me that to walk this i have to be thorough and constant in my attitude of stopping letting go and walking onwards with bettering myself.

in the following post i continue to unwrap such events and points to work on them and solve my issues with myself.