Day 240: Reasonable debate

I am fighting myself on a daily basis...over plenty things with my thoughts feelings, and expressing or mostly, suppressing them. and being entangled in this many things that i perceive happening outside of my action-reaction chain, is also modifying my experience of living...and i make more thoughts and feelings about these too and frustrate the heck out of myself till the end of the "day" to only fall asleep crying amute without tears, just inside me, about how humanity could come to this point of depth of being so ignorant of itself. and then shut off till morning where it all starts again.

When i look at this cycle really all i see is me taking and taking and taking information and knowledge in the form of videos, text, and observing my environment, and it's beings, making plenty of assumptions about it, storing it and taking it as facts, then i go judge these and why-ne about them till the cycle starts again.
Still i "motivate" myself every day to start over and do it again, watch more videos & films, look at people's posts and attitudes, talk to others, ask them about how they see the world...and then do the same thing with every information.

and while it is here to show, without judgement that the information itself clearly shows abuse, self-abuse, ignorance, and participation in almost only destructive actions, the motivation to judge is not even recognized in me, just an automatic reaction to these facts, based on the memories of previous collections and judgements too, and also looking at the patterns and the LACK OF CHANGE in these patterns "outside" of myself. what i don't really see is that it's only a fucking mirror.

and i stand in front of this mirror and whyne and judge and cry and silently tear myself apart while suppressing the ever growing compassion to stop it all, and even when i get to the conclusion of "okay gotta stop being the fucking problem" immediately i take over and jump to the fastest and "cheapest" solution here is, pulling myself out of the equasion by stopping my physical participation with destroying the only thing supporting me, my body.

still i really understand that it's nowhere near a solution to even consider going through, me as the mind want it soo bad that it even visualize and fantasize different methods and outcomes and perspectives of it.I'm a real good planner, and i can come up with plenty of plans with millions of details about how what where when why and who.

and this is the same as the cold-war that's been going on in the world of countries for a long time, mutual destruction, like a race and a fucking contest of who's gonna get the best working solution that causes the least amount of damage of one and the most for the other. still it does not matter how many ways and works we calculate the end result remains the same, it cannot be solved with this.

because the equasion cannot solve itself. it's only a representation, a translation, a depiction of reality.

so here are we, thinking about what section of the chain reaction to negate, what variable to calculate and which one to eliminate, where and how to start...just always one piece missing: me

and still i don't see or grasp or understand what or what i am. i only have snippets of moments when i am aware of myself, and even in these moments i try to analize and systemize and structurize what i comprehend...yet infinity cannot be contained in any way shape or form...infinity can only be lived as a being. living, meaning as an expression of oneself - i can't comprehend that to it's full meaning either.

yet these are also lies to myself too, "i can't do that", "i don't understand that", "i can't live that"
i am "doing" it, i am "getting" it, i am "living" it.