2014-12-09

Day 241: Reflected trust

Today i came to a realization of myself about trust.
and i'm not just talking about trust of others, but the trust of myself too.

one of my teachers today as i was asking them about my submitted paper which he had to grade, that what is the result of it, i got an answer that although he didn't yet graded it, he glanced across and it will be fine.
this high amount of trusting me that i know and written my paper correctly surprised me. of course i'm not going to argue with it and accept it, yet i didn't account for such a thing to happen.
the reason i could not see this action of his was because i did not stand or even recall my whole semester of going and being on his classes having conversations with him. it was "something in the past". and when writing the paper or even asking about the result i only had that one piece of paper of evidence in mind. i was soo focused on it, that i intentionally forget about all i did up to that point.


this of course came from the knowledge that i needed this paper to be graded above F in order for me to continue my education here and finish the whole university course at the end of next semester.
and this whole procedure of thinking ahead and only wanting to be graded so i can pass was going on in my head, and also the "history" that i had failed in the previous semester that brought up fears that i don't want to fail again and being "forced" to drop out AGAIN.

of course this trust he showed me in that moment can be clearly seen while recalling those classes i sat through. I was in all times when i could go in (93%), i was already going double the amount of classes with the Batchelor's instead of my technical grade mates so basically i showed double the effort towards the topic to him. i was also actively listening and making good comments on the classes, also asking questions and raising relating ideas about the topics mentioned after the classes with him. showed that i have interest in the topic and that i have understanding of the topic.

these have clearly showed him that i am capable of passing and worthy to take the final exam in this class. and i can clearly understand his standing and agree with it.
the point is that i didn't stand in that moment, and he did, and he showed my the reflection of my efforts for me to see that i did stand the test of time regarding this class.

of course the reacted emotions and the falling and fearing points still have to be worked on my part, thus i will write those and the corrections on it tomorrow here.

ShareThis