Day 244: selfish joy - Irresponsibility Pt.3

continuing on ...

representation of what i looked like :)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "what should i do to postpone what i have to do" and believe that i have to evade my responsibilities in any way i can, or i will suffer.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and doing the tasks i agreed to do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself when agreeing to complete a task when i was completely aware that i will not want to complete it, and will do anything i can to postpone or evade doing it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire evading responsibility
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good/positive about evading responsibility and postponing my agreed tasks
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find an entertaining activity to participate within to keep the good feeling alive longer and thus justify my actions with the mentality of "i just wanted to have fun!"


Day 243: Skills acquired? - Irresponsibility Pt.2

Previously i written an overview about the story of my irresponsible behaviors, so i am looking into it in detail, walking it's line in time.
My first encounter was at home with it. my mother was at home all day long watching TV and smoking whenever i saw her, thus i thought she does nothing else, and although i tried to evade her presence because i hated the smell of the cigs, i had to bear it many times.
and what i saw is that she were just sitting around doing very little physical work just enjoying herself and being okay with it, not happy but "fine". We lived from the money my father brought home and it was plenty for the 4 of us in the middle class kind of way, so i learned that doing nothing and just enjoying myself is acceptable when i got somebody ELSE to take care of me, and because i was fairly young 6-13 i knew they WILL take care of me so "why not enjoy it?" kind of way i incorporated this attitude based on hers and didn't really care about schoolwork, almost never did my homework assignments, played all day outside or on my computer, or did my hobbies, or sports, sightseeing, photographing, modelling.

and while i took responsibility for what i enjoyed at the time, like basketball or photographing, i kinda passed those that i did not deem worth my time. and this shows that this irresponsible behavior are tied into the want-desire of joy, so when i had enough of joy for the day i could do my other stuff.
Of course across time i changed the stuff i took responsibility based on this concept of what i enjoy i will do as best i can, and that changed with the broadening of the topics and information i acquired.
for example i hated learning the german language based on the teacher and the methods, so i didn't learn it, then when we changed school and i had to learn english instead and got sent to an extra 1-on-1 courses with a nice and understanding teacher, i did learn to enjoy it based on my desire to understand the computer games i played in english, while lagging with the assignments, i did learn it very well.

on another note, my 2 and a half year older brother also infused the irresponsibility into himself and thus i copied him too about how to evade stuff i don't want to do and how to get more hobbies i like to. This lead to me perfecting the "how to be irresponsible without people noticing it" ways and because i was clever i could almost get away with the least amount of work, of course no one took pride in me, but i never got how that would provide something for them so i just didn't care about everyone being disappointed with my grades and attitudes, because i didn't get any harm based on it, they just got resigned to me not being a good student, or a nice person. and this strengthened my belief that it's more than okay to live life like this. so i kept on going.

After years and years of practicing, being irresponsible became a second nature for me, i didn't even had to think about finding ways of evading being responsible, it was naturally the obvious way for me. i could not see any other way of living from 13-20. of course this lead to at the end to leaving the university prematurely, and creating a romantic relationship based on huge lies and misinforming of the other.

I could list my faults and mistakes and views about the points i encountered along my time, yet this is not the place for it...this is not about telling the story, rather to take responsibility for being irresponsible, thus the next posts will be forgiveness and correction of such views and beliefs and attitudes on these events, thus finally learning my lessons that life showed me.

Day 242: Irresponsibility Pt.1

When i finally started looking into the how and when i started being irresponsible in my life, it was really interesting that i could not really pinpoint it, so i put it away for later, not taking responsibility to look deeper or further. i did not motivate myself nor pushed myself to look into it.
Now i see that i only did this because as it turns out i was irresponsible from the beginning of my conscious childhood. thus the fact that i could not pinpoint the starting date or event is because across even my first 14 years of life i have been in an environment where i copied irresponsibility from my parents, and thus infused it into "myself" as who i am, and thus breaking and opening up such a point has plenty of resistance in front of it.