2015-01-29

Day 242: Irresponsibility Pt.1

When i finally started looking into the how and when i started being irresponsible in my life, it was really interesting that i could not really pinpoint it, so i put it away for later, not taking responsibility to look deeper or further. i did not motivate myself nor pushed myself to look into it.
Now i see that i only did this because as it turns out i was irresponsible from the beginning of my conscious childhood. thus the fact that i could not pinpoint the starting date or event is because across even my first 14 years of life i have been in an environment where i copied irresponsibility from my parents, and thus infused it into "myself" as who i am, and thus breaking and opening up such a point has plenty of resistance in front of it.
therefore:


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that irresponsibility is separate from me and something outside of myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treat irresponsibility as nothing to be concerned about, based on my personalities already being infused and built upon it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to build myself as who i am based on being irresponsible, and take it as granted and nothing to be concerned of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to protect my actions that were caused by irresponsibility and blame others and bend the facts in a way that shows that "i did whatever i could" therefore repel any and all attempts by me or others to look into the point of my irresponsibility as the foundation of myself
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize the irresponsibility i built the "who i am" as a basic principle upon therefore it is linked in the characters and traits i access and developed over it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist seeing understanding and realizing the amount and origins and participation within and as the irresponsibility of myself.

also while growing up, i got slapped on the face by life a couple of times to show me how irresponsible i am, yet even at these "wake up call" moments i just could not see this point and thus could not understand how or what caused it, thus after all the blaming shaming and cursing of others i usually collappsed in frustration and emotions of depression sadness and misery blaming who's left: myself, while still not realizing i can change it.
and looking back, these slaps in the face came at a growing rate, getting more frequent and bigger mistakes, until my last huge one, where i actually risked another beings life, and got yelled at because of it. from that point i could not recover even after a year and was still arguing and trying to figure out how could i do such a thing...while the only place i didn't look was myself.
so here i did and i see more clear now. and will be processing my walk of irresponsibility across my life in following posts to come. no more postponing, no more "just one more day pls".

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