2015-01-30

Day 244: selfish joy - Irresponsibility Pt.3

continuing on ...

representation of what i looked like :)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "what should i do to postpone what i have to do" and believe that i have to evade my responsibilities in any way i can, or i will suffer.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and doing the tasks i agreed to do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself when agreeing to complete a task when i was completely aware that i will not want to complete it, and will do anything i can to postpone or evade doing it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire evading responsibility
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good/positive about evading responsibility and postponing my agreed tasks
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find an entertaining activity to participate within to keep the good feeling alive longer and thus justify my actions with the mentality of "i just wanted to have fun!"


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously copy the irresponsible behaviors of my parents and brother, based on the judgements that they enjoy doing it and it has no negative effect on their physical health.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept and copy the behaviors and attitudes of those around me without questioning or investigating all aspects and possible effects on me thus take irresponsibility into and as myself based on irresponsible behavior, therefore justifying the copying and strengthening the mentality behind it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents and my brothers life to be easy and fun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire the same easy and fun life as what i saw in others, and to justify my wants and desires with the fact that they are doing fine with it, further accepting and allowing it to be the normal.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think i have a CHOICE of taking responsibility for something independent of what i actually agreed to do with others, thus not only lieing to them but also to myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to SEE understand and realize that i have no obligation whatsoever to agree on every activity with others, and to not see understand and realize that i could investigate the points regarding the activities that are asked from me to participate/do before accepting the "contract" of agreement, thus I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed to take responsibility for choosing what i take responsibility for and what i don't and actually express this to others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rank and evaluate activities and processes based on how much enjoyment i can get from it, or how interested i am in it, and completely disregard any information about the usefulness of it regarding me or other beings.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge all activities and processes by their potential level of provided enjoyment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become interested in activities and processes that could provide enjoyment or enhance the existing amount of joy i "receive" when participating within and as it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard and become disinterested in activities and processes that could NOT provide as much enjoyment as other tasks, thus postponing any required commitments or tasks regarding them.

not done yet...

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