Day 246: statement of situation

Knowing something, and doing something, seems different, feels different and sepearte from each other.
while when i take a real self-honest look, whatever i don't do something, essentially i don't know that thing in the confines of that moment in time.
I mean that whatever i did not incorporate into myself and as a living participation or principle or application that i do breath by breath, is only a non existent information stored and categorized and held onto it's place by energy.
anything that i "keep in my head" instead of writing it down is just that, information that is held onto by energy in and as me as my mind.
of course this can be used effectively as a buffer to incorporate it into the body and live within and as it, thus everything having a walking in time process to be doing the above, yet i know there are a lot of things i purposely keep in the buffer without "trying" or starting to write it into and as myself.
because i don't yet allow myself to see understand and fully realise how this works in and as myself, i fear from this unknown process.
I noticed this when i started to understand that what i write or speak as commitments do not matter but rather the act of actually walking it in real time doing the thing i wrote, and keeping myself to it.
thus i "developed" fears and resistance against it, with taking them lightly and kinda forgetting about what i wrote. then now this point got as big as to refraining from writing them down.
i made it so i actually block myself and blank myself off, and without major efforts and steps taken against going into it, i succeed in the sabotage and just give up and get into bed and silently deeply inside cry to sleep victimizing myself and stating that i will do it tomorrow.

I realize HERE is no tomorrow, or yesterday or today either. here is only me. anything else is a justification and a generated illusion.

now i could have written this into a txt document and save it only on my hard drive and only make public the SF and SCS on such point or others, yet what i see is that without this self-investigation phase it's way too sterile, and lacking the process of my talking to myself in this writing form to open the point and see and crack open them.
it takes the same amount of time whether i share it or not, so seriously i don't care about writing it up here. i want to keep it here. after all i write this for me, not for any audience, thus i want to see these together, one after another.
i know i prefer elaborating on points and it makes such exploratory writings LOOOOONG, yet this shows myself the best method for showing my string of understanding, getting from point-to-point, exploring the relationships of them and writing the whole line of strings i attached from wanting to go to sleep to the point of fearing to unleash the true potential of myself essentially fear of myself.

thus from now on i commit myself to write full procedures here on my blogs, not caring about seperating exploration from application and solution finding, because it's ONE journey and all parts are EQUALLY important and necessary for me to walk. thus it is here where i stop limping on one leg.

einjoy. (enjoy-in-joy with me)


Day 245: Just one more please - Irresponsibility Pt. 4

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "I can allow myself to slack just this one more time" and thus negate any attempts that i were to do to take responsibility for something
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bargain with myself within and as thoughts memories and justifications in order to clear my conscience about skipping the taking of responsibility which i planned before.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my memories, thoughts, feelings AS justifications and examples to bargain with myself
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize that all this bargaining and justifying the skipping of taking the responsibilities i have is actually abusing myself while also hiding the self abuse from being noticed/realized
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself to achieve less responsibilities to be taken and to generate more energy for my mind with giving up my defining will and let myself be/become posessed by the mind within and as feeling emotions and thoughts.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Give up my self directive power based on all the justifications and reasoning in order to feel alive by experiencing thoughts feelings and emotions within and AS the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define being alive as experiencing thoughts feelings and emotions within and as the mind
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to WANT/desire to feel alive and give power to this feeling in order that it can take over my decisions and thus provide the other parts of the mind to posess me creating a self feeding loop and endless irresponsibility without my intermission.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to RESIST the realizing of the creation and involvement in such self feeding chain of obsession, based on the lack of understanding of what it means to be alive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of understanding of being alive with the self imposed definition of "i feel alive" and all the relexive energy based feelings the mind as me created in order to mask the real irresponsibility of realizing and actually defining what and who i am based on principles of reality.

next up and commitments...