2015-05-08

Day 247:Depression of a lifetime: where it all began

It started in my childhood years...when i was in kindergarten still...i had to go to the "school", or rather i was taken there by force by my parents...it was a place where lots of similarly aged kids were under survailance of adults...and that was the first time i was given a seperate-from-me identity, i can't remember the sign but i was given a sign and a place to store my stuff (cabinet) and I was forced on a time schedule, i had to do what they asked me to, and had to not do certain things when they ordered it to. i really didn't like it, because before i was only getting help in the means of physical support at home, being taught how to do things, with my body, how to wear clothes, or eat, but not much, mostly i was left alone or with my brother to do whatever whenever i wanted.

it was not cool having stripped from my freedom to this robot like institution, although i felt locked up and a bit fearful, generally i learned that the adults have lot more problems than me, and when i go against their will, i make more problems for them which made them frustrated and angry that they could not control my behaviour, for example when to nap, or keep quiet...and so i withdrawed into myself, in order to ease their life of being emotional, so i generally tried to do as asked, and sometimes when they didn't look, i did my own thing, it was my secret self, what nobody could see, understand, or realize. it felt great to have those moments of freedom, where i just didn't care about what they think or what will they react or how they feel, just did my thing that i liked and i allowed myself to enjoy being here, with all the stuff that is around to discover and have fun with.

at home of course as time progressed my parents got more and more seperated in mind and had more and more arguments and fights, even while still living at the same place, and every time when i tried to assist them and ask about it and try to figure out a way for them to see what they are really doing - hurting each other for no apparent visible reasons - they just nod me off, sent me back to my room, told me i am too young to understand, it's not my business and the sorts.

interesting that even while being sent and pushed down every time, i still stood at the next and next time, maybe it was the small moment of smile they shown when they looked at me trying to help them...i really wanted to understand and help them...i was one with their pain on the inside, hurting themselves...i knew how bad it is for them, it was clear from their words and way they moved around...and i could see how they are working hard to hide it from us boys..but i could still see it, and feel it as my own.

thus through time i learned to no poke my nose inot others business, and while having these times at home in school i was already being bullied, just because my brother was the bully-magnet of the school, i tried to not care about it, but when it came to physical abuse i stood my ground and showed them that i am not to be trifled with, of course this didn't stop them. i could see their joy in their eyes when they taunted and pushed me around, it was not just a game for them, it was already an addiction, and an expression of their true emotions of frustration anger and loneliness
i did got angry at them until the point where the fights ended and i saw their fear and lack of awareness of what the consequences - that i eventually delivered to them - can be...here i learned to be aware of what my actions will cause externally, funny that i didn't really consider what will my actions create in me as a personality...

It was the start of the accumulation of "hold it in yourself and everything will be fine" dogma, thus this way i started accumulating the unworked points which frustrated me or i reacted to things in a certain way, where i would rather hide and suppress my thoughts feeling and emotions into myself, to "think about it later" and work it out, of course that was a rare occasion.
 and this would eventually manifest into the emotional experience of depression at a later age

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