333 days of death part1 (Sol-9771)
It was a while ago, when i went into the deep swirl of holes and moles i dug for myself. this last phase of my long experience of mourn was caused by lots and lots of events that i personally created across times and spaces and reflections. I am not here to write down the history of the journey i took, rather the lessons of it that i learned.
the situation is, i am not sure how and what to write here, i would rather just get over the whole last 2ish years of my expression, yet that is definately just an escape from myself so with my current perspective i am writing down what i see here.
I was an active part of learning with and from the desteni group, and i enjoyed learning and exploring myself based on what i saw, the lessons got more difficult but i handled them as i did, then a major change happened. a figure who was one of the key source of me finding and actually committing to this group turned over the cycle of expression from life to death, which is perfectly normal for any being, back then i only thought this concept, not actually applied it within and as myself.
Back then i didnt even notice how much i relied on the motivation and wisdom i found in the words i heard, and although i always investigated every sentence and checked in myself for reference and soundness, i still created the concept of a mentor in me, and when he gone the flow of new information stopped thus my construct of dependance of accomplishment of myself dvindled also.
I started to shearch for a replacement in the memebers of the group, and saw lots and lots of changes in them, or at least their public expressions, which i could not fit to the principles and standards i got from my mentor, so i went on and on about finding anything that could match the basics and keep the original methods and principles and actually talk or express them in any way to the truest form, and i could not find any, instead what i found is everyone slipped back to their own lil' way of doing things and looking at things, heck i did the same thing, so i saw them do it as i did it myself kind of having half my eye in a mirror while the other half is on reality. and i don't blame anyone for doing what they did, i had to see it like this, and then i reacted, slowly but surely i withdraw from anything because they didn't match my principles that i learned so well from my mentor, or so i thought at least.
So all in all i created situation online where i pushed away people because they didn't fit into my screen of reference that i imagined we shared, so i let myself get dissappointed in so many people, then in so many systems, then in methods and informations, kind of almost everything that i held together craced and i could not fix anything, firstly because i knew i couldn't change others, and secondly because i made a committment in the beginning of my JTL to never ever ever again achieve anything with manipulation.
333days ago i hit rock bottom and decided to stop everything, to not decide any major or minor things, only negligible decisions and to not care at all about where i end up. march 7th was the first when i completely gave up on myself. i went up for the third time to the 7th floor in my dorm, out to the balcony at 8pm with the intention of "doesn't matter" to just end the bullshit i have been seeing all around me online and offline from students adults workers administrators enterpretours and my dearly valued friends and members...and up there, in the fresh evening air, i stood there, looking down, looking in the distance, breathing and trying to persuade myself with yelling out "this does not work" in hungarian, actually getting angry at myself of thinking what will hapen after i die because it wouldn't matter to me anymore.........................................
when i allocate more time i continue on this in part2, the new counting system is based on my numbers of sols-days on this planet from my birth, which today is/was(passed midnight again) 9771th
written&walk by Márton Szabó
|I say this is:|